CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Missing Her Forever

Jamee was home last week for her spring break.  It was lovely having her home and bittersweet as she left.  After a bit of a rough start, she has adjusted well to college life and I am proud of the choices she has made.  Jim drove her back this afternoon and my heart ached a little as I kissed her good bye, hating to see her go but glad she will be back soon for the entire summer. 

I saw her out back door and then headed to the front porch to wave one last time as they drove away.  As I did this I was struck with a Laynee memory, and as usual, it hurt.  On school mornings, Laynee was always heartbroken when the kids left without her.  In the beginning of that last school year I would try to ease some of her sadness by rushing with her to the front door to wave bye bye.  She loved this and after just a couple days, it stuck. Without prompting, each morning as the kids left, she would blow kisses from the back door and then, tears streaming down her face, she would tear through the kitchen and living room to the front door.  Without fail, this simple act would bring laughter and joy back to her face.  As I stood waving to my oldest, this memory of my youngest rushed in bringing a smile to my face, tears to my eyes, and a vice around my heart.  The only words to sum up what I felt are "I miss her."   I miss her so very much.

After reigning in my emotions, I was reminded of a conversation with a couple earlier today in church.  They spoke of how they are going to be heading west to see their children in Sioux Falls.  Their excitement was evident as they discussed different events in the near future that will give them oppurtunity to see their children who have moved away.  They miss their children and will always look forward to reuniting with them.  If their children stay away for 5 or 10 or 30 years, they will still miss them.  They will still want to be with them. 

It is normal parental instinct to miss our children when they are away from us.  So it is that for however long it takes, 10 or 25 or 100 years until I see Laynee again, I will miss her. It  may not be as socially acceptable to talk about my child who has died but I miss her all the same.

I love you and miss you Laynee Bug