Father's Day

Dear Laynee Grace,

It's Father's Day today and days like this make your abscence seem very loud and evident.  There is a hole here on Father's Day because daddy's littlest girl isn't here.  Your daddy is pretty quite about how much he misses you. He works alot and that helps him keep his mind busy but it doesn't make the hurting stop. 

On Friday we all went and picked out a new chair for daddy's office. You would have had so much fun trying out all the chairs in the store.  I was a little sad thinking about a new chair because I miss seeing you sitting on daddy's lap at the computer.  Daddy was always the only one who could get you to sit still for a few minutes. 

Daddy made a pyramid with three of you pictures on it that he hangs from his mirror in his truck.  He sees it wherever he goes to work each day. 

Each time I go into daddy's shed I see your jacket that he hung on the bulletin board.  Daddy was a little frustrated with you that day when you got into his oil bucket but now he keeps that oil stained jacket where he can see it everyday.  It reminds us that life is precious, life is fragile, life is shorter than any of us know.

I miss seeing you run to the door to see him each day and crying when he left without you.   This morning as I remembered that silly, loud greeting he always had for you, my heart squeezed so tight.  I want to hear that again but I know it would not be right for anyone but Daddy's Laynee.  Daddy thought you were so very pretty and he still does.  Whenever we talk about you he always says "she's so pretty."  And you are, the prettiest girl ever. 
I love you sweet Laynee girl.  Watch over your daddy extra close today.  His heart hurts for you

Summer and Sorrow

In respect to summer, I find myself in a place that I have been many times in the ebb and flow of this seemingly endless grief journey. It is a place wherein the heart, soul and mind meet in quiet resignation of what is and will forever be. I accept that, for the rest of time, summer will bring a sense of sorrow.

Summer, being Laynee's final season on earth, was the time in which we loved most and lost most. That summer, as her beautiufl personality began to shine through, we delighted in her every moment.  We loved her like crazy.   Then, that same summer became the time when our grief journey began. Our clearest and fondest memories of her were during that final summer. Likewise, our most tragic moments are forever stamped upon the pages of summer memories.

I know, understand and accept that I will never again look out the window to see the vivid green of summer trees and grass serving as a backdrop for Jim's walk around the lake, without wishing that our little girl was holding his hand.  The smell of the fresh lake water will forever bring to mind golf cart rides with her beside me.   Every time I get on my bike I will recall that my time with her in her bike seat was cut tragically short. When I hoe my garden or work in the flower beds, I will always feel a sense of longing for my little girl who should be there to help me. I miss the sweet combined scent of little girl and the great outdoors.  I miss the sound of her wailing because someone went outside without her. Lady bugs crawling upon blades of grass, stir up a deep need to see my Laynee Bug.   The brilliant colors of summer...... the blue sky, the fluffy white clouds, the rainbow of flowers......will always remind me of her unrivaled zest for life.

Even as summer is reminiscient of days when we loved her so much, it reminds us of the time when we lost so much.  The crystal clear blue of a swimming pool and the clean scent of chlorine will forever bring haunting memories of her lifeless form beneath the solar blanket. The once simple task of washing the car will always bring a sharp pang of regret as I recall the mistakes that were made that day as Jamee and I washed our cars. Today as I was working in the yard, with children playing nearby, I heard the words "COME ON." Words, so simple, so ordinary, yet etched upon the pages of my mind. With those words came a moment of reliving, of being transported back in time, when the words "COME ON, LAYNE" were followed by life's greatest mistakes and ensueing nightmare.   The sights and smells of summer usher in a deep desire to go back and change that which cannot be changed.
Though I do not like that this wondrous season is now viewed through the lens of grief and tragedy, I know and accept that it is so.  While tragedy has not robbed us of love and laughter, the new reality is that summer and sorrow go together. 

On Forgiveness

The concept of forgiveness is one that is confusing to many.    Most of us have long ago given up the idea of "forgive and forget."  In truth, without even being consciously aware of it, we may "forgive and forget" multiple times during any given day.  Small offenses are easy to forgive.  We accept that as human beings, others will fail us.  We acknowledge small mistakes or offenses, shrug them off, and move on, knowing that we live in a fallen world.  But what about those things that are not so easily  forgotten, that wound us to our very soul and stay with us forever?  How does one know if they have truly forgiven?

It is my experience that there are no lightening bolt moments of forgiveness.  We do not wake up one day with a sudden awareness that we have forgiven someone for a particular deed.  Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision.. In John 8 Jesus makes a decision to forgive the woman taken in adultery.  Likewise, in Mark 2 He decides to forgive the paralytic. Jesus forgiveness was not based on emotion, they were decisions made quickly and with great assurance.   Because reality is that there are some things that the human mind cannot forget, for some offenses we must make the decision to forgive over and over again.  If we are deeply hurt or betrayed by someone, either by acts of commission or acts of omission, every time we see that  person we will be reminded of said betrayal and choose, again, to forgive.  In Luke 23, Jesus spoke the greatest words of forgiveness of all time "Father, forgive them for the know not what they are doing."  He wasn't likely to forget the torture that he was subjected to but he chose to intercede and forgive them. 

Forgiveness, in most cases, is more beneficial to the the forgiver than for the forgiven. Often, those who hurt us are not even aware that they have hurt us.  Others are aware of their actions, but do not seek forgiveness.  We are not called to forgive only those who ask for our forgiveness but any who offends us.  An unforgiving heart is a breeding ground for anger and bitterness.

It is my experience that forgiveness is characterized by abscence.  As we make the choice to forgive, we begin to notice that our desire to strike back or retaliate has been removed. We are freed of resentment and hostility.   We no longer have the intense longing to understand those things which we cannot comprehend. With forgiveness, the anxious writhing within the soul begins to cease and we find that there is simply nothing left to be said.

We often hear that it is more diffiult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others.  There is nowhere in the scripture that we are commanded to forgive ourselves.  Christ already did this for us. We do not need to forgive ourselves, we only need to accept that we have been forgiven, that the price for our sins was paid on the cross.    Every evening, as I close my eyes and the images of her death play over in my mind, I choose to remember that I am forgiven.  Upon seeing a child that reminds me of her and brings renewed regret,  I know that I am forgiven .  As I work in her garden, pruning flowers instead of wiping dirty little hands as I so long to do, I accept that Christ already forgave me.  I hurt.... I ache for her..... I wish that I could have a second chance.... I long to turn back the hands of time......but since I cannot, I accept the shed blood of Jesus.

 I have struggled with the question "Is it possible to forgive God?"  At surface level, the question seems absurd.   God is perfect and without sin,  he makes no mistakes. How then can there be a need to forgive him?  The answer is that God is in need of nothing, least of all our forgiveness.  Forgiving God is not for him but for the health of our own souls.  It is not only possible to forgive God, it is pertinent.

Remembering and missing my prettiest, today and every day.

I Love You Laynee Grace

Jalayne Grace Holmes Memorial Scholarship

To the world you may be one person

but to one person you may be the world

I am a bit late in posting this as Jalayne's first scholarship was awarded a few weeks ago.  Still, this is a good place to remember the recipients and why they were chosen. 

Quite some time ago we decided to put together a memorial scholarship in Laynee's memory.  We wanted this scholarship to be different than most of those awarded at our school.  We did not want the recipient to be chosen because of their grade point average or athletic ability.  We established a list of criteria for the applicants and asked that a group of teachers nominate students based on the criteria.  The criteria was that they be students who were outstanding role models, have positive attitudes, have displayed an extraordianary sense of compassion and service to others.  Six students were selected and then asked to write an essay on the "your attitude toward the word retard as used in name calling"   The essays were submitted to us anonymously. 

All of the essay were excellent but there was one  that stood out among them.  This student closed his essay with these very profound words:   "it seems they (persons with cognitve impairments) are without sin and only want to please.  Imagine how much better our world would be if everyone had a heart so great as theirs.  Perhaps the next time someone calls you a "retard" you should take it as a compliment and say "thank you." 

Our pupose behind this scholarship is, of course to keep Laynee's memory alive.  But also, to raise awareness of the offensive nature of the misuse of the word, a subject our family is passionate about.  On the evening of the award presentation, I explained that the word "retarded" in the medical world simply means to be delayed or slowed in cognitive development.  Our society has corrupted this word and when used in a negative or deragatory manner it dehumanizes some of the most innocent people in the world.  I explained that, to hear this word used in name calling, is extremely offensive and distasteful to our family. 

I suspect that many who were present that evening had never really thought about how hurtful this word is.  The word has been so misused that most use it out of ignorance.  Since Jamee is a part of this graduating class, many of those present were her friends.  I hope that when that word comes to mind, they will stop to remember, before it slips from their tongue, that it is a slam to Jamee's brother and sister.  Will Laynee's scholarship make a difference to even one?  I cannot say for sure. We are only one small community.   However, I do know that if they weren't already, everyone present that night is now aware that this word is terribly misused.  They cannot pretend that they do not know.  Maybe.........just maybe.........a few of them, upon hearing the word come from another's tongue, will tell of a little girl named Jalayne and how that word is a criticism to her. 

Laynee's first scholarship went to a young man who is planning to attend Eureka college.  At this time he is unsure of his major.  Congratulation Patrick Simms.  Make us all proud and remember .....

"Success without compassion is useless." 

Summer's First Tragedy

As summer makes it's appearance in warm weather and sunshine, I've seen evidence of many people who are opening their pools for the season.  When I see this I am reminded that it's almost inevitable, there are children who will drown in pools this summer.  I see pools that are not fenced and ladders leaning up against above ground pools, and I know that somewhere, somehow a mother, a father, or other caregiver will, in their humanness, lose sight of their children for just a moment.  I know also that for some that very human mistake will be fatal.

As Jim read this evenings news, he found that just a few miles from us, a family is living every parents nightmare.  A three year old drowned in his family's backyard pool.    My heart aches for the pain, the sorrow, the horror that this family will endure.  I know that within the last few hours a mother or father has been thrust into a path that they did not choose.  They will never be the same as they were when they woke this morning.  Their world has crashed around them and there is vacancy in their hearts that can never be filled.  They will weep, they will mourn, they will lament and I pray that they will cling to a God whose ways are higher than our own. 

Please lift them up in prayer. 

Mother's Day

As I awoke this morning and the fuzziness of sleep cleared from my mind, I was greeted with the too familiar heaviness of knowing my baby is still gone.  Lying there in the silence, I realized that it is Mother's Day.  I am mother of 6 but only 5 are here with me on this earth.  The sorrow that has been my constant companion for 20 months and one day, is there because I am mother to a child in heaven.  It is a truth that still manages to snatch the air from my lungs. 

I opened my eyes, staring up at the ceiling and feeling the sting of our reality, and my eyes caught sight of something new.   Just yesterday, I had words painted above my bed to bring strength for each new day. Every morning since Laynee's accident has been much the same.  Reality of her abscence slams into me like a crushing, mighty wave. The force is especially great on special days, like today.   This morning, these words did not replace the hurt but they did remind me that there is a purpose far greater than what I can understand.  I have a God who asks nothing more of me than that I trust him, with my heart.......with my life......with my precious child. 

Although the emptiness of missing her is ever present, I  have learned to go on, to enjoy life, to live and love in spite of the pain.  Mother's Day was wonderful.  It started out a bit rough with Moise having some issues that are very uniquely Moise.  The girls went to the grocery store for groceries for the Mother's Day dinner they had planned.  They also presented me with a Mocha Coconut Frappacino from Starbucks, which I enjoyed out on the deck.  They (mainly Jade) fixed dinner and Jim grilled rib eyes. Grant gave me an assortment of delightful scents from Bath and Body.  Brock gave me a sweet Mother's Day letter.  

 We spent the afternoon and evening outside, enjoying the fact that spring has actually arrived.  The wild flowers were beatiful and my heart squeezed as I pictured a little four year old picking them and bringing them to me in her pudgy little fists.  I was also quite enthralled by the masses of toads and frogs in our lake.  Apparently it is mating season as there are hundreds of them and they are very loud.  Jim and I enjoyed a long walk together as well. 

At the close of this day, Mother's Day, another day without her I marvel at the fact that somehow we carry on.  She was never out of my mind today.  I miss her with every beat of my heart but I cling desperately to the knowledge that my God is God.

 A few pictures of our day outdoors, right here at home.  My favorite place in all the earth.

                                                                 

                                  Geese have taken up residence on our lake

Enjoying time near the lake with

my firstborn, the one who

first made me a mother

I confess to being a little overly

enthralled with the frogs and toads on our

lake.  I have many more photos but will

post them on my other blog.  They

truly are fascinating.

                                              http://www.theholmeshome8.blogspot.com/

If blossoms are an indication, come fall

we should have quite a few of our own apples

                                                

My farmer brother likely does not appreciate the scene

below as I do.  He would call them weeds.  But for

today, with the sun setting behind them, these little

spreading purple flowers were beautiful

How could I not have a wonderful Mother's Day with

this kind of happiness around me?

LOVE  this little boy so much



Happy Mother's Day to all