CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Sunday, January 22, 2012

I Am Weak

I struggle, more and more it seems, to find a way to stand beneath the relentless weight of sorrow.   My faith has been severely tested in ways that I would never have thought possible.  The pain, it seems to have no end.  Time moves on and the expectation is that we move on, step away from grief and live, get on with our life, so to speak. 

And so I try.  I try so hard to find ways to numb the pain, to bury the sorrow, to go on living.  My default coping mechanism is and always has been to stay busy.  For the past several months I have found myself digging deep into a busy lifestyle in an attempt to deflect the pain that so often threatens to consume me.  I work more hours, clean more, run more, write more, do more; all in an effort to deal with the hurting that will not stop.  I have no passion for any of these things. They simply occupy my time and divert my attention.  All of these things pale in comparison to the job I had as Laynee's  mommy.  At the end of each day, what I find is that the pain is still there, my heart remains sorrowful and my arms still ache with emptiness.  No matter how much I do, it is never, ever enough.

One of the most difficult aspects of this grief is coming to terms with the reality that this our life.  That grief is forever.  At times, this one irreconsilable truth threatens to get the best of me. I wonder, truly wonder, if I am going to make it.  Will there be enough to do for the rest of my days to keep me from being devoured by this? 

And then God speaks.  He speaks in that  still soft voice that is barely discernable to us as humans.   He says "I'm here."   "My grace is sufficient for you."  And I know. I know that I cannot do this  alone.  I cannot hide from sorrow beneath a load of busy activities.  Not now and not ever.   I am weak.  I need help.  I need God's grace.       

  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,
 for my power is made perfect in weakness."
 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
IICorinthians 12:9


  1. Bless your heart. I understand just about everything you have written. Time moves on, but we do not forget. The "scars" from a traumatic experience are forever seared on our delicate hearts (until we meet Jesus). I will be praying for peace. That you don't overwhelm yourself with too much activity. While it is good to keep busy, perhaps it just covers what needs to be dealt with? This isn't to say you are dealing with and coping with your grief, and I apologize if I have offended you--not my intention. :o) Sometimes, I think though, we have to rest, be still, and listen to Him. Sometimes we don't hear Him, but He is certainly there...we have to rest in Him. Pleace our fears and worries at His feet. Our families need us more than we think they do, and we have to remember them too (not that you don't, but I know sometimes I forget that my hubby and my son need me so much and have their grief too). They are our ministry, our precious families! I know the Lord has called me to minister to bereaved mommas. I think you would be a blessing, and certainly have been to me and many others, in our time of need. HUGS!!! You are stronger than you think that you are, and you and normal in all that you feel! Praying Phillippians 4:13 for you sweetie. :o)

  2. "Time itself becomes a destructive force, wearing down a man's ability to hold out and intensifying the suffering to an inhuman level." {Claus Westermann}

    Which I know, all too well. As do you, Karol.

    However - along with you, I cling, cling, cling to the Unseen Things. Every day, I remember that Satan has forgotten (or chooses to ignore) that time is an hour-glass. It isn't going on forever, like some digital clock flipping endlessly through blinking numbers. The sand will run out, the End will come, and then - we shall see.

    Because in the End, while we are enjoying the Forever our Father has planned, Satan will be in his forever, too. And he will know just how we feel now. And he will never, ever forget it. Not for a second.


    "Let me hear in the morning
    of Your steadfast love
    for in You I trust.

    Make me know the way I should go,
    for to You
    I lift up my soul."

    Lead on, O King Eternal. Make us able, and sooner than we think, take us Home.

    In the fight with you,

    Cathy in Missouri