CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Monday, November 19, 2012

While We Wait

It seems I am failing miserably at this blog thing. This is partially due to lack of time but more due to the fact that I have much that I would like to share about sweet baby boy but still need to maintain a level of confidentiallity where he is concerned. He is a major happening in our house but there is much to be determined about his future and for this we remain discreet. I find it easier to not post at all than to try to post about life events without detailing this one, biggest event. I am, however, a bit appalled to find that I didn't even have the decency to post an update that he was finally released from the hospital. My apologies and deepest thanks and appreciation to all who diligently prayed and continue to pray for him.

Baby boy, whom we are referring to as "Kruz" while he is in our home, has been out of the hospital for three weeks. He is making huge progress in his growth and development and is pure, one hundred percent, sweetness. To say that his presence in our life has been disruptive would be a gross understatement. Yet, once again, I am amazed to find that life, regardless of the changes it brings, has a way of settling into a routine and a new normal is always established. So it is with this monumental change. We have adjusted, stretched, and molded him into our lives. Having him here means a little less sleep, earlier mornings, countless doctor's appointments and everyone pitching in a little more. It also means more softness and cuddling, more time spent in awe of the wonder of life, more soaking up the beauty of perfect simplicity, more moments that take our breath away.

This child, so sweet and so incredibly complex, has awakened something in me that I thought was dead, buried with my sweet baby girl. I cannot put a name to it. Healing??? Joy??? Redemption??? Perhaps a combination of all of these. Our days have been hectic and I feel pulled in a million different directions. Yet, in spite of the chaos, this child has brought a quietness to my soul in a way that nothing has been capable of doing since Laynee was taken from us. His soft, warm body fills the aching emptiness of my arms. He brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. Still, I know that I will never know joy like I knew it before I became mother to a child in heaven. I know that I can never have that joy again on this earth. To have a child in heaven is to hurt in the very depths of who I am, a hurt that has no end, a hurt that is a part of every day, every thought, every breath. This hurt stems from an emptiness that no one and nothing can ever fill; nothing, that is, on this earth. In the meantime, we continue to love.......our children on earth, our child in heaven, and this child who, for now, is in our care.......we love them all and we wait, anxiously, for the the day when we will see her again.


  1. No apologies needed! Life gets busy, and I am sure with having to maintain a level of confidentiality, it makes it challenging to post much of anything.

    I am so happy for you that you are experiencing joy and peace and happiness and enjoying this bundle of wonderfulness! I imagine too that when we finally get to hold our baby (I'm not giving up the hope of having another baby) that the grief will not go away, but we will feel the joy return again. Babies are just amazing like that.

    Hugs from me to you...another person who knows that terrible hurt and pain. You are loved!

  2. I am so happy things are going well and Kruz has made it home! I know the pain you are feeling....the memories of Laynee as you snuggle with Kruz. A conflict of emotions. You will not be "fixed" with his presence, but it will help heal somewhat. Though not completely. I'm so glad you are experiencing this love and happiness right now. Kruz is so lucky to have you!