CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Love Language

In October of 2001 our soon to be 9 year old son, Moise, was 10 months old and was given a devastating diagnosis.  We were told that he had Cerebal Palsy, Severe Mental Retardation, and Profound Deafness, among a host of other medical issues.  His prognosis was grim and I shall never forget sitting in the room of the specialist's office and being told that he would likely never walk or talk. For a long time we grieved for the many things that Moise would never do.  Any hopes, dreams, or expectations that we had for him were wiped away in that one day.  The life we faced with Moise was, and still is, filled with uncertainty and great challenge.  However, the single thing that I mourned most was his lack of hearing.  I wept bitterly over the knowledge that he would never hear me say "I Love You"  and that I, in turn, would never hear those words from his lips.  This, of course, was before I knew that he would be a candidate for cochlear implant and that he would hear me say those words, even if he will never speak them.   In retrospect I realize that this was a rather silly thing to mourn, for words are quite insignificant in the language of love.  

Today while I was kneeling by Laynee's grave and telling her how much I love her, it occured to me that I never heard those words from her.  We all spoke those three beautiful words countless times a day to her.  I can hear Jade's voice as she kissed her each morning as she went out the door  "Bye Layne,  love you, you're so pretty, 'kay."  Our love for her was not in those words as much as it was in every touch, every every kiss, every brush stroke of her hair.  Love shone through the books we read and the song's we sang like "Laynee, Laynee give me your answer do, I'm half crazy all for the love of you....." or "Laynee Bug, Laynee Bug, HEY Laynee, Laynee Bug."  It was there between her hand and ours as we helped her learn to walk.  It was in the soft blankets we covered her with each night and in the ties on the cupboards to keep her safe. It was in the sing a long videos that drove us crazy but watched over and over again just because they made her so happy.    Love was there when we rocked her.  It was in giggles, laughter and sometimes even in discipline and in tears.  Never, not for one single moment of her life did Laynee Grace wonder if she was loved.    
She was just beginning to talk and we never had a chance to hear her sweet, baby voice say "I Love You, Mommy.......or Daddy, Jamee, Grant, Jade, Brock, Moise."  Though we never heard those words, her love was in her beautiful, radiant smiles and eyes the got lost in those smiles.  She told us of her love with her hugs and arms raised to be picked up.  Her love beamed at us every morning when we went to get her out of her bed.  The kids knew of her love when she melted every morning as they left for school. Daddy was greeted with love every day when he got home from work.   Her love was a guarantee when she cuddled up to me in sleepiness with two fingers in her tiny mouth. 

I am reminded of the love that our great God has for us.  It is my very firm belief that the greatest way that we can grieve our Lord is to doubt His powerful love for us.  I have never audibly heard those words of love from my Lord, but I know that His love has been with me every moment of my life. He gave up His Son in love for us.  Never before have I understood that depth of love like I do now.   I don't pretend to understand why He would take our Laynee, but I do know that is is NOT because He ceased to love us. 

Here is a link to a song by Michael W Smith.  A beautiful reminder of His ever present LOVE


  1. Karol, Thanks for the blog and video. To be reminded that God had to watch his son die for the sins of the world - all because he loved us so much! It is hard to imagine. You know that Laynee was loved unconditionaly and she loved back. Just to know that she is sitting on Jesus' lap - How awesome is that. (Did you notice that MJ Smith song was released on Dad and Mom anniversary)

    We Love You all so Much!

  2. Karol,

    This particular post just brings aligator tears pouring from my eyes, because I remember the countless hours I spent with Moise just trying to get him to understand that ONE word in sign language...."More". That word has so much signifigance...I long for you all to have MORE. More love, more time with your daughter, and more peace in your hearts. Your blog has been such a comfort read, even when heart breaking, because I know with each entry, it heals you just a little more and keeps your memories of her alive in everyone. I love you guys so much. I know it's been so long since we've been together, but I have been so blessed to be a part of your lives. I wish I had known her more than just the little baby I met right before she turned 1 year old. She was blessed to have such a wonderful family, and I know God will continue to bless you for loving her as much as you do! Don't forget that word...."MORE".

    Love, Amy