CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Happy Birthday Prettiest Girl

Good Morning Layne,
"Laynee Bug, Laynee Bug HEY Laynee, Laynee Bug"  You are 3 years old today because it's your birthday.  Birthday's are special.    You can tell everyone just how many years you are by touching your pinky and thumb together and holding up your three middle fingers.  Like that.  It's a little different to do 3 in sign language, and that's important to know, but most people today are going to know 3 like this.  There are 3 candles on you birthday cake.  You can count them, 1,2,3. When you blow them out you have to take a really big breath , 'cause there's three now, not just two.   I bet you are so proud to be 3.  Mama is so proud of you too, but I miss you so much. 

I can't tell you stories about the day you were born because I didn't get to be there.  Remember that you had another mother too, a different kind of mother. The angels up there in heaven can probably tell you all about that day.  You are a lucky duck, because you get to have birthday parties every day for someone in heaven.  But today is your special day. 

I know that your birthday in heaven is better than the birthday party we have here, but I still wish you were here. I would hold you close in my arms and I would dance and sing "happy birthday to you."  If I close my eyes I can see you throwing your head back and laughing.  I can hear your laughter in my mind but I wish I could hear it with my ears. My heart hurts a lot because I want to see your big smile on your birthday.

You would get to choose where we go out tonight.  It's good to have your birthday on a Saturday because you get to go out ON your birthday.  I think maybe you would choose McDonald's.  They have the best chicken nuggets, don't they?  Do you know that silly Brock went in the play equipment the other day?  Grant and Guito told him to and he couldn't figure out how to get to the pink slide.  Now he knows though so he could help you find the pink one, since that would be your favorite.  All those balls at McDonald's, I'm not sure they have them anymore, but I sure know they would make your hair stand straight up.  You have to keep your socks on though.  You cannot play in the equipment if you take your socks off.   After you blow out all your candles you get to lick the cake and frosting off of them.  That's what the birthday girl gets to do.  No one else.  You get to pick what piece of cake you get.  I bet you would want the one with the big 3 on it so that you can remember you are not 2 anymore.  Daddy likes one of the middle pieces best, but on your birthday you don't have to save it for him if you don't want too. 

We got lots and lots of notes from people who miss you today.  You see, it's different here.  It's not like heaven where no one is ever sad.  Here we are so sad because we so badly want  you to be here.  Birthday's aren't the same if we can't see the birthday girl.  But all those notes from people, well they sure do tell an important story.  Many, many people said "I never, ever saw Laynee Grace cry."  or "I don't think I ever saw Laynee without a smile."  They are right too because even I hardly ever saw you cry except when someone left the house and didn't take you with them.  But on those times I don't think you were sad, it just ticked you off so that someone actually left without the princess of our home.   Then it was so neat to run to the dining room window and wave bye bye that your forgot about being mad.  All these notes told about people who are so glad they got to know you. Some of them are from people who are sad that they didn't know you too well, or not at all.  You wouldn't know what to do with all of this sadness.  Whenever someone was sad, you ran and gave them one of your hugs.  That cheered everyone up right away.  But when two people were sad you got pretty worried because you didn't know who to hug first.  All this sadness would have you really concerned I think. 

I think that you weren't here long enough.  I also know that God is much smarter than me.  You know, don't you?  You know why God wanted you in heaven.  Maybe he  decided you were too perfect to be down here with all of us who aren't perfect.  I really don't know but I'm trying hard to trust God. 

We are going to send some balloons to you today.  Pink ones.  You'll love those balloons and you can share them with some of the other kids up there in heaven.  When we send them off, know that every one of them is about how much we love you. We will put your Tiara out on your grave.  We know that you are not there, but everyone who goes there will remember that you were the princess, and like Danielle said in her note, princesses get what they want.  You can look down here and see your cake too.  A cake for our princess.  It's not a big party like the one you get to have in heaven but it means we love you so much and we will never, ever forget that you were the princess. 

Can you hear the song playing on the computer?  That is Jamee's special song for you.  Do you remember her singing it just before you got your angel wings? "From the bottom of my heart I'll sing to you."  It's hard to sing when you are not here but we try, we try hard to be happy and keep singing.  We know that you would want us all to keep singing.  "From the depths of who I am I love you."  That is how very much we love you, Laynee, clear down in the places that no one can see. "With everything inside I'll run to you."  Someday there's going to be an even bigger party than your birthday and we are going to run straight to you for one of your hugs.   It says "all that I've become I owe to you."  Well, really it's God that we owe the most, but he gave you to us so we could learn about joy and love.   "Nothing in this world can ever seperate us."  You are gone from us now, but we know that somehow you are still here and you always will be right here in our hearts.  "Nothing in this world could ever satisfy me the way that you do."  It seems like our hearts will hurt forever but we are happy when we remember you. You will always be our Princess, our prettiest girl. You are our FOREVER LOVE, Laynee Grace Holmes.  Our Beautiful, Beautiful, Forever Love. 

If I could, I would  touch your forehead with mine and look in your eyes, straight down to heart and ask you, like I always did,  "Laynee Grace, why do I love you so much?"
I love you with every breath that I breathe.  I miss you with every beat of my heart. 

I love you, I love you, I love you

PS.  I think that Laynee would love it if you popped in and visited her virtual princess birthday party at http://www.braskabear.blogspot.com/.  It's a stunningly beautiful party of princesses


  1. Perfection. Happy Birthday, Princess Laynee!

  2. Happy Birthday Princess!! You look so beautiful with your Tiara. I bet you look so much more beautiful in heaven. We miss you so so much, Laynee girl.
    Love you,
    The Rollins

  3. Happy Birthday Laynee

    Aunt Stephanie

  4. Happy birthday beautiful Laynee!! I love you and miss you!

  5. It seems when I think of Laynee, I think of her in four of five different ways--all of which are taking place in the bathroom. 1. She is in the bathtub and pouring water on the floor. 2. She is unrolling the toilet paper and/or stuffing it in her mouth. 3. She is emptying out the bathroom cupboards. 4. She is laughing because I told her "That's a no, no." Sigh. I do miss you, sweet Laynee girl.

  6. Happy Birthday, Precious Laynee Girl,
    May your day be perfect, which we know it will,
    because Heaven is perfect. We can see your little light shining and how we miss your smiling face.
    We love you and miss you so much....
    Uncle Mark, Aunt Fern, and Guito

  7. Happy birthday Laynee-Bug! I really wish I could've spent more time with you and created more memories with that beautiful smile. Right now my best friend is probably up in heaven celebrating your birthday with you. You both have kind of close birthdays, but his is in April so now you can be with him to celebrate his since I can't. I'm sure your making everyone smile up there and having a huge cake with pink frosting! No one can contain their joy when you're around. I had a cheer competition today and thought of you while doing it. Would've you loved cheering too? You'd be so cute with your peppy attitude and contagious smile. Thanks for opening my eyes and helping me realize the importance in life. Have a happy birthday princess because you deserve it more than anyone! Love you much and can't wait to see you again

  8. Happy Birthday Laynee! Hope you are having a big pink girly princess party up in heaven!! The angels sure are lucky to get to celebrate your BIG 3!

    Uncle Mike, Aunt Michelle, Jeremy, Caleb, Hannah and Leah

  9. Happy Birthday sweet Laynee! I'm sure you're having the greatest birthday party ever up in Heaven! Today I'm thinking of you and how you never failed to bring smiles to our faces! I loved when I got to watch you at our house one day, even though it was for just a little bit. I would've loved to let you come play at my house again. But I bet Heaven is a lot more fun than getting into my kitchen cabinets.
    We love you and miss you Laynee!
    Greg and Jenny

  10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Princess Laynee! You are one special, sweet, BEAUTIFUL Angel shinning up in Heaven...watching over one AMAZING Family!

    God Bless You ALL!!!

  11. Happy birthday sweet Laynee! I bet you are having the most spectacular princess party in heaven. God's blessings!

  12. I wasn't blessed to KNOW Laynee, but my heart is always connected to you guys, Karol. I remember the first time I saw her sweet face at a Fehr Christmas party...I immediately adored her. I ache for you today. Everyday, your loss makes me value my children more and just tell God how unfair it is to lose someone so precious. He does His perfect will, and we won't know until that glorious day when He calls us HOME. I think of you there, running straight for your little girl...What a glorious day that will be. I love you guys. I miss you so much and hope you don't forget that! Happy Birthday, Laynee!

    Love, Amy Gayle

  13. Happy 3rd Birthday Laynee!!
    I'm sure you are having the most wonderful birthday party in Heaven wearing your very own pink angel wings.
    Today at Ashleys cheer cometition when the girls did the splits I had to think of you because you would have beat them all:)
    We love you and miss you!!
    Aunt Rita and Uncle Todd

  14. Happy birthday miss Laynee Holmes! I know your up there having the biggest birthday bash ever! Full of Hee Hee's and pink cake, lots and lots of pink cake!:)

  15. what a beautiful tribute to your beautiful daughter. Happy 3rd birthday Laynee...a beautiful princess looking down from Heaven.

  16. I get to share a birthday with Laynee! I didn't get to know her here on Earth, but she'll be in my heart as my birthday buddy 'til I get to meet her in Heaven. The party was lovely.

  17. Happy birthday Laynee

    Love cousin Mya

  18. Happy Birthday Laynee! Your Mom did an awesome job at planning your 3rd birthday here on earth, but I bet it was an even greater celebration in heaven. Happy 3rd Birthday Princess Laynee! Love, Angie

  19. Happy Bday Laynee! When I think of Laynee I picture her at Java Junction on the floor, scooting so very fast!! She'd get into the open cupboard underneath the cash register where the bags and cups were. One second she'd be back by the desk, then she'd be in the kitchen, then by the couch...so very fast..and then she'd play peek-a-boo with the doors. She'd always make me laugh. What a sweetie! Always praying for you, Love, Mindy

  20. Laynee I bet birthdays in heaven are the best birthdays ever. There are no tears there so you can get messy and never get a scolding. I remember your birthday party last year. Mom and I picked out your pretty dress and couldn't wait to give it to you. I remember Jed and Megan were there too and she gave you a neat outfit to. Now your wearing angel wings and they are prettier than our clothes.
    I miss you and love you Maggie and Mom

  21. Came across your blog and have tears running down my face. Happy Birthday to your beautiful Laynee. I'm sure she had the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER in Heaven. God bless all of you.

    Hugs from a stranger...big, big hugs.