CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


In recent weeks I have had people ask me "is it getting any better."  They are, of course, referring to the pain and difficulty of dealing with the tragic death of a child.   There is no simple, straight forward answer.  I've pondered the question and I have decided that, while the pain does not lessen or "get better,"  our pain threshold increases.

A few nights ago, Jim and I were walking in the yard, pulling Moise in his wagon and discussing what Jalayne would be doing if she were still here with us.  Jim looked off into the distance and said "it's not getting any better."  I could do nothing but agree, it absolutely is not getting any better.  There are moments when the pain of losing her feels every bit as heavy as it did the night that she died.  We still stand in disbelief.   Many nights I wake to the clawing hands of desperation.  Soul searing sadness continues to pierce right through us.   I have resigned to the awareness that this heaviness is now a part of who we are.  Loss is a new, indentifying mark upon us. 

When an athlete begins to train he often lifts weights.   A large, unfamiliar weight placed upon his shoulders will cause him to stagger and strain. If he continues to carry that same weight day after day he will eventually be able to bear the weight much more easily than the first day.  The weight has not changed, it is still as heavy as the first day.  Rather, the athlete has grown in strength and is better able to stand up beneath the weight.   So it is with with the burden of grief and loss.  The weight and intensity is no less, but because we have carried it every day, we are better able to stand beneath the load.

Most of us are familiar with the adage "time heals all wounds" and in a literal sense, this is true.  Fleshly wounds, given proper care, cleansing and time, almost always heal.  However, this saying is dramatically inappropriate in the shadow of death.  It is true that wounds heal, but the death of someone dear to us is not a mere wound, it is a loss of monumental proportions.  Healing cannot come to something that is gone.  There is no "getting over" that which is lost.  As an amputee, we adjust and adapt but we cannot heal.  

 The experience of death, loss, and grief is intensely spiritual.  Mere survival demands that we go to a deeper level of spirituality than I ever knew existed.  Comfort is found only in the grace and mercy of our Lord.  To carry on, to put one foot in front of the other, requires that we dig deep into his word.  In so doing,  our roots go deeper, our shoulders become stronger, our knowledge of hope becomes greater.  As we circle around the cycle of grief over and over again, it becomes more familiar, less daunting and we become better able to adapt to loss. 

Since the horrific accident that took the life of my sweet baby girl, I have come to know many others who walk in the shadow of death.  The answer to the question "does it get any better" is universal to those who believe.  NO...........it does not get better but we, through the love of our saviour, increase. 

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10


  1. Profound, Karol. Your realizations are deep and strong and will help many who carry burdens. Thank you for your witness. I join you in praising God for holding up your feeble arms as you're increasing in strength to bear such a seemingly unbearable load.

  2. WOW! Thats about all I have to say... You have an amazing gift with words Karol. Thank you for sharing your heart. You have no idea how it speaks to me. It's amazing... especially as you are still in such a new and raw state of your grief, how well you are able to articulate and express things.

    Your words are so powerful, and so true.
    No, it does not get better... but we do adapt and adjust. perfect analogies.
    So thankful for the Grace, Mercy and comfort we are able to find through Christ. I cannot imagine surviving any other way...
    So thankful for the bond we share... thanful for the encouragement and wisdom you bestow.
    Praying for you all... for each step.
    Keep looking up, keep allowing Him to fill you.. continue through Him, to increase!
    Missing our babies,

  3. I said to my mother-in-law when she asked if I was doing better: "I'm not getting better, but I am getting better at hiding it.".

    You won the locket. I need your mailing address.

    I'm leaving blogging for a while. I miscarried again. One dead baby and two miscarriage now. I'm about to give up.

  4. Karol,
    I can't say where I came across your blog, just that it caught my eye where ever it was and that I check back often. I lost my twin girls Emilyn and Hailey after going into preterm labor on November 30, 2009. Thank you for writing this blog, it says so beautifully much of what I have been thinking lately. When people told me in the beginning that the pain would always stay the same or even get more but that it does get easier I didn't understand. Now I do, the pain is just as acute as it was before, but I know how to deal with it better, like you said my tolerance for it has increased though it does break at times. Thank you again for writing this blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Laynee, she looks like she was a precoius little girl with a spunk for life.

  5. i know you are constantly thinking about Laynee but you just have to remember that God sent you her and you did your best to take care of her. i to miss Laynee a lot though for i remember all the fun times me and Chloe had taking care of her. she was very precious and i loved her very much i miss her a lot.