CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Seeking Direction

Summer is winding down.  That back to school aura is beginning to fill the air in our home.   Jade, especially, gets excited for school to begin.  The calendar is packed with appointments that need to be squeezed in before school starts.  The kids are wanting to get in a few more fun summer activities.  Shopping has begun.  Everyone needs new pens, binders, folders and someone usually needs a new calculator or lock.  New jeans, new shoes, new bookbags, sports bags, lunch bags, the list goes on and on.  The girls and Brock are preparing to start running with the cross country team once again, a sure sign that school is coming.  There is an odd sense of excitement and dread:  excitement at seeing all their friends and rehashing the summer's events, and dread at the thought of long lectures and homework filled evenings. 

For me, anticipation of a new school year means seeking direction in where to go from here.  For 11 months I have felt as though I have been wandering in the wilderness.  I've spent the 5 months since the sale of my business as a stay at home mom.  The time spent at home has been much needed and much appreciated.  However, I'm a busy, active person and just being at home, alone, with all 5 kids in school is not healthy for me.  There is, after all, only so much cleaning and cooking that a person can do and I would soon find myself idle.    The question is, which direction do I want my life to take?  More importantly, what would my Lord have me to do as I move forward?

Finding something to do is not a problem.  Life has given me experience in many areas, all of which I enjoy and can see myself doing.  I love my career in the medical laboratory and can be very content in that field, though I would not say that I am passionate about it.  It's a good job, a good source of secondary income, but I learned long ago that it's not my calling.  My experience as small business owner provided me with experience and license in food service and sanitation, while fine tuning my management skills.  I also gained a great deal of confidence in the bookkeeping area.  Moise and Laynee both have provided me with a knowledge and deep understanding of children with disabilities.  Because everything in the special needs area was learned from the school of "hard knocks," they are things that I'll not soon forget. 

In the past few weeks I have made a few phone calls inquiring about possible oppurtunities and that snowballed into even more oppurtunities.  In addition, there were some things that came to me from, seemingly, out of nowhere. Suddenly I have gone from having no idea what I'm going to do, to having so many oppurtunities that I have to pick between them. Therein lies the greatest challenge  I wish that I could do all of the things that have been placed before me, for they all have different, appealing attributes.   Yet, to attempt them all would be foolish and unrealistic.  And so I must choose.

My greatest desire, as I seek to find my way in the aftermath of tragedy, is to be in a place where I can be a servant for my God.  Some of these potential positions have much greater financial benefit than others but I really do not want that to be my focus.  I am not so foolish as to believe, even for one moment, that God needs me for anything.   He does not need me, but he wants me to have a heart willing to serve him in whatever capacity he asks of me.  Part of honoring God is to honor my husband and his wishes.  Jim and I have discussed the options at great length and he has only one request of me, that the direction I take gets me out of the house and around people at least some of the time.  I admit that my home has become a haven for me.  There is safety in familiarity and I could easily get into a rut of not wanting to leave my house or be around others. So, as I seek the Lord's direction, honoring Jim's wish that I get out around people who will edify me, is a top priority.

For now, I am content to sit and seek and listen.  Part of this seeking experience requires waiting to see how things play out.  I am confident that in His time, everything will fall into place and He will place me exactly where He wants me.  This morning I was reminded of Job.  As he faced great adversity, he occasionally lost his way.  He didn't know where to go or what to do.  He cried out in chapter 22 that "I do not find him....I do not see him."  Still, he trusts in Him  Job 22:10  "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."  God knows where I am, he knows my sitiuation.  He alone knows my heart and he knows where I can best be used by him.  I know also that   "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28. 

I pray for his guidance and direction, that whatever I do can be used in some small way to bring glory to his name.  I pray that I might have no vain ambitions but that I might be his servant.  I pray that somehow, he will take the pain and sorrow we have felt and use it to bless another. I pray that Laynee and all the love, joy and peace that she exuded can live on through my own actions.   I was reminded also this morning and pray  that I can remember John 3:30 He must become greater, I must become less.


  1. Karol,
    When God led us to start our own business, I was really scared. But God reminded me that He was in charge, not me. He showed a verse to me that brought me peace. Psalm 90:17 says "May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us- yes, establish the work of our hands."
    I will pray that God will lead you where He wants you to serve, and that He will establish the work of your hands.

  2. ur faith is such an inspiration to me good luck in whatever path u take and remember laynee love is not the only foster child that needs great foster parents like we r :} foster forever they need us and where would they b without u