CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Wonderfully Made

I've debated about which blog this post belongs on. This happens often, Laynee.....her life....her death.....the subsequent grief and sadness, have become such a part of who I am that nearly everything I do, everything I think, links in some way or other, back to her. Nearly everything that takes place, every event or happening brings memories or longing for her. More often than not, on our family blog, I choose to omit the part about how this or that causes us to think of her. On Laynee's blog I feel more free to openly pour out my heart about how we miss her still. But this......this post about this life event is too big, too life changing. It belongs on our family blog for it affects each one of us. But it cannot be written without Laynee being a part of it and so I have decided that it will have a spot on both blogs.

The last week has been tumultuous to say the least. On Friday we brought into our home, a beautiful little boy. A child with dark skin, soft black curls, enormous dark eyes and thick, black lashes that curl. I will preface anything else that my heart has to say about this by saying that I will be purposefully vague concerning this pecious one. No decisions have been made concerning his future and I will not give details about the child or his biological parents, nor will I post any pictures of him. We value his privacy and that of all involved in making decisions concerning his future. My purpose in writing is that this is a big, perhaps even a pivotal event in our life. Already, in just 3 days, this child has dramatically impacted our family. My heart is full, overflowing with things that I honestly cannot explain.

When a phone call came to us explaining that there was a child in the hospital, who had been there too long already and needed a place to go home to, my heart felt torn in two. One part desperately wanting to fill the emptiness that my arms have felt for more than three years, the other terrified of the hurt that this child could cause my already aching heart. We refrained from giving an immediate answer about whether or not we would bring him into our home but what we found was that time only made the decision more difficult. For Jamee and Jade, the answer was simple "why would we not take him?" Jade nearly burst with excitement and longing. The boys, more reserved in their emotion, seemed content with whatever decision was made. But Jim and I? We swayed, like branches in the wind, between wanting to bring him here and wanting to run far away from this.

This is not the first call of this nature since Jalayne went home to Jesus. We pray daily that God would use us in whatever way he sees fit and that he would open our eyes to the needs of those around us and write upon our hearts, the names of those whose lives we can touch, be it in big or small ways. We have actually been contacted several times about babies who were in need of a home either permanently or temporarily. Jim and I have tried to have open and willing hearts for whatever God has planned for us. In each instance, God has closed those doors and made it clear that he has other plans for our life, leaving us with a sense of peace that comes from knowing that He is in control. But somehow, for some reason, this time felt different. This may very well be because there is a great deal of uncertainty in regards to this child's future development. Suddenly we were faced with the question "what if God doesn't close the door this time?"

With each day that this decision lay before us, my heart seemed to writhe with increasing agony. Everything in me rebeled at the thought that anyone might think we were attempting to replace our sweet Laynee Grace, knowing that this could never, ever happen. My mind filled with horrific images and I questioned my own ability to keep another child safe. I reasoned that I had only recently accepted a 30 hour position at my current job and an infant didn't fit into that plan, even for a brief time. I have questioned whether or not I could ever love a child in the way they deserve to be loved, knowing how much it hurts to let them go.

Over the few days that we struggled with this decision, we began to see the hand of God working things out in ways that began to ease some of our fears. I know that our sovereign God is always working out all of the most intricate details of our lives. So often these things go unnoticed, taken for granted, but in times of deep struggles our eyes are opened and we become keenly aware of his presence and his mighty hand that goes before us. Most specifically, the concern about my job was resolved as two or three dear friends have expressed that they would not only be willing, but delighted to care for him as I work.

Finally, on Tuesday, we agreed to meet this little boy after lunch. My heart stuggled with whether or not this decision was wise. I was terrified of loving this baby and I knew that seeing him would take the decision to an entirely different level. I knew also that seeing him would answer alot of the questions that we had concerning his development. That morning before work, after Jim and I prayed together, I told Jim that "I wish God would just tell us what He wants us to do" As I worked that morning I felt almost physically ill with apprehension over the upcoming meeting. As I was seeing patients, I felt my phone vibrate deep in my pocket, indicating that someone had sent me a text. Later, as I took a restroom break I read the text and it nearly took my breath away. I have a friend who sends me a scripture verse each morning. This friend knew nothing of the decision that we were faced with and that morning's text came to me in two parts so that when I looked at my phone, this is what I read "there was a great calm. He said to them. 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith? Mark 4:38b-40 With a sense of peace in our hearts, Jim and I went to meet the baby in the hospital and it was determined that we would bring him home and care for him while a final decision concerning his future is made. On Friday we brought him home and without question, this child has brought joy into our home. In just three days he has blossomed under constant affection and nurturing. He is a beautiful child, so wonderfully made, exactly as God intended him to be. Like any child, he has been sent here to love and be loved and we are honored to have a part in loving him.

Please pray for this sweet babe and all involved in the decision making process. Pray also regarding the surgery that he will be undergoing on Wednesday. For now, we are content to love him in the best way that we know how. And we will remember what Laynee taught us so well, that each day is precious, each moment sacred and God is good..........all the time.

Psalm 139
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.


  1. Karol I hope this all goes as it is intended to. I couldn't imagine a more capable and willing family to love this child. Praying for you and your sweet family.

  2. Again you have put words to and have so clearly described some of what has gone on in my heart as we have opened up our home to two Haitian children. May God bless you for taking this step of faith.