CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Surf's Up

I've missed my little girl something fierce lately.  It happens this way.........I go for a time....days, maybe even weeks without the pain being quite as intense and then suddenly, seemingly from out of nowhere, it returns full force.  I've long ago given up the notion that I might be able to figure out what makes some days better than others.  The pain, it's ebbing and flowing, is simply a part of life, a normal aspect of grief.   I am no longer compelled to fight against it.  I grab the board and hang on for dear life, knowing that it's best to ride with the waves.

I love having my family all around me.  There is nothing on earth that brings me more joy.  Yet it is this very thing, my life's greatest pleasure, that brings about the very keen awareness that all is not as it should be in our world.  When we're all together, there's somebody missing, my life's greatest sorrow. 

I missed her as we prepared for Thanksgiving.  I wondered what would be her favorite kind of pie and who she would have sat close to around the big table for the grandkids.  As we shopped on Black Friday, I missed her tiny hand in mine and ached at the sight of the sweet little girl clothes.  Would she have something that she desperately wants for Christmas this year?   We listened to Christmas songs on the radio as we drove, as we hung the stockings, as we put up the tree and every song somehow reminds me of her. Every reminder of her brought a stab to my heart, a lump to my throat. 

As I hung her stocking, which stands out among the rest,  my heart clenched tight. It doesn't matter that there two extra stockings this year, one for Kruz and one for Anna.  Her's will remain empty... always....and that will hurt.....always. 

 We hung her new ornament and the reality that this is our fourth holiday season without her felt like a punch to the midsection

 I love this tradition of hanging a new ornament every year for her. Each ornament representing another year without her is treasured, cherished.  Still, they hang, glistening and beautiful, a glaring reminder of the time that has passed without her.  A gentle reminder that each day brings us closer to her. 

1 comment:

  1. I love your ornament--I picked the same one for Chase. Missing your sweet girl with you....xoxo