For when I am weak, then I am strong
II Corinthians 12:10
This week is proving to be a difficult week. Sunday night after a fourth of July celebration, I began to feel an increase in the ever present weight that seems to have settled around me. Jim is also missing Laynee desperately. It seems that nothing I do can take the weight from me. I go to the word, I pray, I listen to inspirational music, but sometimes I long for something tangible. I need something that I can do or touch that can help to ease the pain. There is nothing. No words nor actions bring relief. After spending some time in the word this morning and then going out for a run and finding that the weight has not diminished even a little, I came home to find that this verse II Corinthians 12:10 had been sent to me in an email. While it does not necessarily ease the pain, it does remind me that God is in this.
For all those who read, please pray for our family this week as it is a painful one. On Saturday our friend Jenna will be married. Jenna is the daughter of my friend Karen, Laynee's Aunt Karen. Jenna and Karen were an active part of Laynee's life. They were with us from the very beginning, from the time Laynee was first placed in our arms until the time that she was taken from us. Laynee was to be Jenna's flower girl and without doubt she would have been the most beautiful flower girl ever. The flowers themselves would have been brighter because Laynee carried them. I desperately wish that we were scurrying around, putting final touches on a beautiful dress for Laynee. I wish that Jade could be practicing and working and figuring out how we will do Laynee's hair. In Laynee's place we have prepared a beautiful wagon, which we will fill with flowers, for the ring bearer to pull down the aisle.
I'm sorry for Jenna because every young bride longs for a flower girl to toss petals on the aisle for her. I'm sorry for Aunt Karen and Mr B, whom I know will feel sadness on this very exciting day in their lives. I'm sorry for every guest present that knew Laynee, for they to will only be able to imagine what Laynee's beaming smile would have looked like. And, in some sad, strange way I am sad for Laynee, because even though I know that heaven is more beautiful than any flowers here, I think she would have loved being Jenna's flower girl.
Today I am weak, there is no other word to describe it. As I read this verse I say to myself, "really? is it? can it really be that even now when I am so weak, I am in some way strong?" It seems unimaginable and yet I can hope and trust in it, knowing that it is the word of our Lord.