I gazed longingly at photo after smiling photo, proof positive that her death has not been just a nightmarish dream that I cannot awaken from. Proof also that she, in her life, was not just a beautiful fantasy of my mind. She was here, she was precious, and she was ours. It seems so long, a lifetime ago since I felt the sweet weight of her in my arms. And while I know that each new day takes me one day closer to seeing her again, that day also seems a lifetime away. So it is that I am stuck here, between too long since I've seen her and too long til I will see her again.
I long to dream of her, to close my eyes and allow sleep's sweet peace to claim me while visions of her smiling face dance through my mind. But I do not. The only dreams that she occupies are those which bring more sorrow. I hear other child loss mother's tell of the dreams they have of their children that have gone on far too soon. I envy them. I want that, just once or maybe more.
I go on with life and I enjoy it. I laugh, I rejoice, I drink in every beautiful moment of my husband and children. I live life to the fullest extent that I possibly can, all the while with a part of my soul aching for that day when we, all of us, Jim, myself, and all 6 children, will be all together in one place. I live as well as I can with the inherent knowledge that only then will our family be complete, only they will I be complete.
As I long for heaven, for that day of completion, my heart is grateful for hope. The knowledge that hope comes only through the greatest sacrifice of all time drives me to my knees. I cannot help but wonder where would I be without that hope, without that sacrifice?
God is good all the time.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.