CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Other Women

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This blog has become an invaluable source of healing for me.  I have come here, over and over in an attempt to make sense of the onslaught of emotion that we have been caught up in .  At times I have come with a voice of praise,  while at other times, desperation has echoed through the words I have written.    So often I become frustrated with my own inability to articulate all that my soul has to say about the unwanted changes that have come into our life.   I suspect that, to the reader, my words tend to be somewhat redundant as there are not enough words that have the poignancy  to capture all of the expression of my heart.  I began blogging in an attempt to release some of the emotion that rages within, but quickly discovered that it served a far greater purpose.  It is through blogging that I have found love and support to make it through this. 

   Before the accident, I had never given thought to how few people in our social circle have experienced the death of a child. This awareness induces a deep sense of loneliness. It is here, through the world of blogging, that I have been able to connect with those capable of relating to every aspect of a mother's grief.  I have come to appreciate and care deeply about many fellow baby and child loss mommies, those who know the searing agony of saying good bye to our chilren long before we are ready.  I am amazed at the number of women out there who never heard their child utter a single cry. Many have buried their children within days, weeks or months of birth due to heart or genetic defect, SIDS or other illness.  Some have watched their child die slowly and painfully.  Some mother's had a happy, thriving child one minute and the next minute their life crashed as their child died suddenly.

There is also a category of women with  whom I can relate even more specifically, those who's children have been taken from them by means of tragic accident.  Many of these mothers, along with myself,  share the daily living with the reality of what, to the human mind, could have been an avoidable accident.   I have come to care about many whose children have drowned in pools, lakes, jacuzzis or rivers.  My heart is filled with compassion for certain women whose children have died in accidents involving cars, choking,  window blinds and suffocation. 

These are women of great faith and strength.  As I read their blogs I am often awed by the eloquence with which they share.  I know that every word written comes from their innermost being.  I can feel, by the tone of their writing, when they feel stuck in a downward spiral or if they can feel the peace that passeth all understanding.  Between the lines I can sense the torrent of emotion that pours down upon each one.  Sometimes their words are filled with a nearly palpable sadness or peppered with anger and bitter resentment.  Still other times I can sense that they have had a moment of seeing the light through the darkness, that somehow they have been reminded of the hope that we have.  I know that for each of us, it is only those moments of hope that keep us going.  All of us share a very strong bond that comes from being in awe of the life lessons taught to us by children who were given to us and then taken far too soon.   Some embark on a mission to do something that will somehow make a difference or give a sense of purpose to what they are going through.    Though I have never met most of these women in real life, I fully comprehend the cry of their anguished hearts.  I know also that they understand me at a deep, heart level, as few others do.  

These are women who KNOW.  They know what it is like to have a part of you die with your child.  They understand the desperate longing to be reunited with our babies.  They have felt the agonizing pain of empty arms.  They too have had those days of wondering "am I going to survive this," those moments of being uncertain if you will even be able to draw your next breath.   These women's hearts, like my own, have been a battleground of spiritual warfare, where the enemy seeks to destroy while our savior seeks to save. They would never suggest that it's time to move on or that we should "heal" from the death of our child, knowing that we are forever changed and that there is no going back.

The words of these mothers resonate within me.  I read them, not as one who "can only imagine" or "cannot fathom," but as one who knows and understands and feels, on a gut level, the agony in every sentence.  In some strange and perhaps, selfish, way I draw comfort from the awareness that I am not alone on this journey.  I will not pretend that I pray for each of these women daily.  I don't.  However as I read their blog posts I am reminded of each of them individually and a take the time to remember and lift them up in prayer. Sometimes I make a feeble attempt at offering words of encouragement, while at other times I am aware that there simply are no words.

As we face another holiday season without her, I think often of these other women.  I know that they too have ornaments hanging from their tree in rememberance of their child so dear and so very absent.   Some face their first Christmas without them, others are still missing them after several years. All feel the emptiness of not having them here with us.  There is a silent, unspoken understanding that for those of us whose children are in heaven, the Christmas season hurts. 

To my reader friends, I ask that you would lift up these women who have become so dear to me.  They walk the same path of missing our children.  They are weak and they are strong.  To those who have never known this pain of infant or child loss,  please know that the hurting will never stop until we see them again.  To the other women, those who KNOW, thank you for your strength and faith and encouragement.

These are the names of faith tested and tried through giving up a part of their hearts.

Taylor missing Nathan
Stephanie missing Camille
Christy missing Chase
Misty missing Isaac
Brandy missing Abigail
Tiffany missing Julius
Rebecca missing Audrey Ann
Jody missing Grant
Stephanie missing Amelia
Joany missing Carly
Polly missing Kristin
Cindy missing Joel
Lindsay missing Ayden
Trisha missing Nathan
Hillary missing Natalie
Angie "Missing Mark"
Ashley missing Preslee
Lesley missing Gretta
Rachel missing Beckett
Kirsten missing Ewan
Joan missing Joshua and Gabriel
Rachel missing Aubrey and Ellie
Meredith missing Brayden and Kennedy
Marcia missing Brandon
Mary Kay missing Becky and Ben
Dorothy missing Matthew
Phyllis missing John
Arlene missing Jeff
Rachel missing Clark
Alice missing Grace
Denise missing Drew
Phyllis missing Chad
Michelle missing Brayden
Yvonne missing Nicholaus
Debbie missing Lexi
Rhonda missing Caleb
Kate missing Kennedy
Sumi missing Jenna
Shannon missing Ethan
Melva missing Nicki
Vicki missing Brian

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Romans 8:18


  1. I teared up as I read this. Thank you...you chose such wonderful words and wrote such true and meaningful things. I know God was working through your fingers as you typed. :o) You are correct in saying that other people (mommies) simply don't understand our heartache.

    Missing Ethan
    Nov. 11 2002-June 5, 2010

  2. Thank you for editing your post to include Ethan and I. :o)

  3. Please please pray for a close friend's nephew Danny whose wife Brandy is delivering a stillborn son today. Jett suddenly died two months from his due date. Loving extended family includes toddler sister Hannah.

    I am poor and needy,
    LORD God,
    You care about me,
    and You come to my rescue.
    Please hurry and help.

    Psalm 40: 17

  4. I will say a prayer for these mommies and daddies and siblings for their loss. I had to pray extra hard last night at 7pm for Melva (West) Behrends. It was exactly 1 year ago last night when her Nicki, her only daughter or child for that matter was pronounced dead. It has to make a hard Christmas for all of them. Also pray for Bryan and Andrea King who lost their unborn child and she carried after it died for a while. Each story is a pain staking as the other. But the Lord is all sustaining and will see you all through the grief.
    Love you Ida

  5. Thank you so very much for this post. It was so moving and thoughtful. You wrote it so beautifully. Every word was from your heart. I know that I could not have faced each day after losing Ayden if it hadn't been for finding women, like yourself, who are walking this road with me. I have found such comfort in the words of others, and I've walked this road of grief knowing that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to be cry every day, and it's okay to miss my son for the rest of my life. But it's also okay to find hope, and joy, and happiness again. Thank you for including myself and Ayden. I think of you and little Laynee so often. Thinking of and praying for you and your family during the holiday season as I know it is especially hard at times.

    God bless,

  6. Lindsay took most of my words, as you Karol so often do. Thank you for this post, a message so true to those of us walking this path. I too have found such peace, comfort and hope reading the words and being able to make such connections with other bereaved Mommies. I have found strength in the encouragement of others and just the truth in knowing that we are not alone.
    Thank you for including me and my precious Brayden in this post.
    Praying for you and your family and so many others whose hearts are aching this Holiday season. Thankful for His Peace that passes all understanding and His strength and provisions that continue to help us make it through.
    Brayden's Mommy