HOPE

I was hit, yesterday afternoon, by a fresh wave of grief and sorrow. Prompted by a project that I am working on that required me to go back through my files of pictures,these waves amaze me.   How can it be that, while the harsh waves do not come as frequently, they never seem to lose even the slightest bit of their intensity? They still have the same physical pain/snatch the air from my lungs effect on me.   My response is also the same.  I want to shout "this cannot be, I cannot do this!!!"

 I gazed longingly at photo after smiling photo, proof positive that her death has not been just a nightmarish dream that I cannot awaken from. Proof also that she, in her life,  was not just a beautiful fantasy of my mind.  She was here, she was precious, and she was ours.  It seems so long, a lifetime ago since I felt the sweet weight of her in my arms.  And while I know that each new day takes me one day closer to seeing her again, that day also seems a lifetime away.  So it is that I am stuck here, between too long since I've seen her and too long til I will see her again.

I long to dream of her, to close my eyes and allow sleep's sweet peace to claim me while visions of her smiling face dance through my mind.  But I do not. The only dreams that she occupies are those which bring more sorrow.  I hear other child loss mother's tell of the dreams they have of their children that have gone on far too soon.  I envy them.  I want that, just once or maybe more.

I go on with life and I enjoy it.  I laugh, I rejoice, I drink in every beautiful moment of my husband and children. I live life to the fullest extent that I possibly can, all the while with a part of my soul aching for that day when we, all of us, Jim, myself, and all 6 children, will be all together in one place. I live as well as I can with the inherent knowledge that only then will our family be complete, only they will I be complete. 

As I long for heaven, for that day of completion, my heart is grateful for hope.  The knowledge that hope comes only through the greatest sacrifice of all time drives me to my knees.  I cannot help but wonder where would I be without that hope, without that sacrifice? 

God is good all the time.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18

Happy Valentine's Day, Prettiest.  

I Love You Forever. 

Radiant

Today, as I was cleaning up my gallery of photos in my cell phone, many of which are of black nothingness, apparently taken inside my pocket or someplace equally as unintentional,  I came across a few pictures our sweet Laynee grace.  I knew they were there, they have been there for a very long time.  Still, seeing them, seeing her takes my breath away every time.  Today was no different. 

Since I am about due for a new phone, mine is rather old and doesn't hold it's charge very well anymore, I suddenly became determined that the pictures had to be in a safer place.  The idea of losing even one priceless picture of her is chilling.  Being the not so techno savvy person that I am, I had no idea how to get the pictures off my phone.  A quick text to my friend RK, solved that problem in a hurry.  For the first time I saw these pictures in full screen and............well..............there are no words, she is so beautiful, so happy, so radiant, so LAYNEE.  I was stuck, for quite some time, somewhere between laughing and crying.  I have to laugh because even I cannot deny that orneriness positively oozes from her squinty eyes and big smile.  At the same time I cry because I love and miss her so desperately. 

This particular picture was taken while we were on vacation the summer before the accident and she spent a day at my brother's house.  It doesn't matter that I did not take the picture or that I wasn't even there.  That's my Laynee, her smile, her joy, her radiance. 

 

I would give every single earthly possession I have to see that face, kiss those cheeks, hear that laughter just one more time.   

Come quickly Lord