This post has been on my heart for several weeks. I have struggled with whether or not I should share this publicly or if I should keep it private, between my God and I. It is something that I have pondered in the very deepest part of my soul and still, I wonder if I can really give words to what is in my heart, but I will try.
When I reflect upon the days, weeks, months following the accident, so much of it is a blur. It was a horrific time. A time when I could not retain a single thought. A time of running on "auto-pilot," of not knowing and not caring what came next, just putting one foot ahead of another and getting by. It was a time of functioning because the clock told us what to do next, of ministering only to the most basic needs of our bodies. I don't remember much, but as time goes on I am becoming increasingly aware of how we managed to get through those days. It can be summed up with just two words.
Only Jesus. It is something that we experienced in that time of our lives but since then life has happened, life has gotten in the way of truly experiencing "only Jesus." Though I would never choose to go back to relive those days following the accident, I wish that every day of my life could be spent knowing "only Jesus." However, I have come to understand that the only way the human heart and mind can truly experience this is to be completely and utterly broken, to be in the midst of crisis or devastation, to lack the ability to make sense of anything except that we have Jesus.
All of us are familiar with the old poem "Footprints," where a man dreams of two sets of footprints in the sand when times were good, but only one set when times were difficult. He asked his Lord, "why did you leave me" during the difficult days. The Lord simply answered, "My child I never left you, there is only one set of footprints because it was then that I carried you." I don't have to ask my Lord where he was during that time. I know it, as sure as I know that I breathe, I know that my Lord carried us through those days. He was there, never leaving our side, carrying us every step of the way. There is no other explanation for the fact that we are here today, without having been devoured by anger, bitterness and depression.
I have not, for quite some time, been able to recapture that sense of closeness with my Lord. Responsibilities, expectations, schedules, and basic wayward thoughts get in the way experiencing "only Jesus." But I remember that time. I know that conscious prayer was not needed because every painful breath was a whispered prayer, every groan a plea to my Lord. In that time I experienced no sense of self reliance or self sufficiency, I was keenly aware of my own dependency on Jesus. The last thought of each night and morning's first coherent thought was "Jesus, help me." I knew that I could not do one single thing on my own. I knew that no other human being could help me. I knew that I needed only Jesus. Any barriers that separated me from my Lord were torn away. I had nothing, I knew nothing ............except Jesus. My only hope.....was Jesus.
Jesus has not changed, he is there today in the same capacity that he was there during our darkest time. But I have changed. By way of necessity, I have gone on, established new routines,
committed to new responsilities and in so doing, I have regained some of my own sense of self reliance. The broken pieces of my heart have been put together, albiet, not in the same way. Jesus is still there, he is not letting go of me, but I am not as acutely aware of his constant presence, my aching need for him. Still, I reflect on those days and I am grateful that I know what it is to truly experience "Only Jesus."
the same, yesterday, today, and forever