Time does not heal all wounds, it does not take pain, in every form from us. The past week has confimed this for Jim and I. The holidays are arduous and time has not and, I suspect, will not change this fact.
Jim and I have both communicated our own feelings of sorrow and loss over the past several days. It's Christmas time and every holiday event is experienced through the scope of child loss. The reality that our family circle is incomplete practically screams at us as we live out our own holiday traditions. The television reminds us that we should be curled up with a 5 year old, watching Charlie Brown's Christmas, Rudolph and Frosty. Glittery, twinkling lights lose some of their luster in the abscence of childish excitement that should come from a child gone far too soon. Spoons, rubber scrapers, and egg beaters practically beg to be licked clean by her tongue. One stocking hangs limp and lifeless, clean and crisp, barren of little girl trinkets, from the mantle.
I thought......I hoped..... that perhaps the presence of our sweet baby Kruz would ease some of the pain this year. But, while he does bring with him a new sense of joy, he does not lessen the pain. He does fill my empty arms, but he does not fill the emptiness of my heart. I thought that, with Kruz snuggled in my arms, I might be able to attend our church Children's program for the first time since Laynee left us. But yesterday morning I woke with heavy dread and sorrow, knowing that my mind would know exactly where Laynee should be standing on that stage. And I knew that I could not, would not put myself through it.
We do not feel anger or bitterness as this new wave of grief washes over us. There is no need to fight against it or even to explain it. It simply is and will forever be a part of who we are. Often, as pain grabs a tight hold on us, we must seek out silence amidst the hustle and bustle of life and remind ourselves that God is good and God does good....... all the time. Nothing.....not even the greatest sorrows of life..... will ever change that.
Karol,
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment as your words describe so well my feelings. We have added two little ones to our lives recently, and although they do fill my arms, the hole in my heart remains empty. But your comments about God are also right on....all the time.