Six years ago she came into this world. We weren't there, We didn't even know yet that we would have another child. In fact, it wasn't even on our radar. But she was here, born to be our sweet angel girl, to touch lives and teach lessons and bring joy....so very much joy. She became ours to love forever..... our daughter, sister. We thought we would have her for a lifetime. And I guess, in essence, we did have her for a lifetime, a tragically short lifetime.
In my heart this day of the year will be forever set apart from other days. It's her birthday. There will be no party, no one to blow out candles or make a wish. Still, it is a day set apart, a day to honor the beautiful life that graced our home for so short a time. I love and hate this day. Hate that she is not here, but love that on this day I feel a sense of freedom to experience all that is tucked away inside my heart. I can open, for just one day, that compartment that, on ordinary days, must be pushed aside to allow for life to go on. Today, on her birthday I can sit quietly with all that is.....the sorrow, the tears, the joy that her memory brings.
I can no longer pretend to know what she would be like. She would be very different from the child we remember. Life experiences, school, friendships....all of these would certainly have changed her. Yet in my heart of hearts I know that Laynee would still be full of joy, that she would be the epitome of unconditional love. I know that she is still my daughter, that she is loved beyond measure, that I will hold her again one day. And to know this is enough.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.