The last weeks have been rough.
I have finally, after 5 years, resigned myself to the fact that August and September will always be difficult. They will always bring with them a deepr, more intense longing for you. August brings back to school, a sharp, painful reminder that you are not here to advance to the next grade. September brings Labor Day and your Heaven Day, both equally painful. Both triggering memories. Some of the memories are so beautiful that I ache with longing to see your beautiful face again. Other memories are horrific and I wish, with everything in me that I could blot them from my mind.
The last couple of nights I have laid awake, my heart breaking over and over again from missing you. Time keeps stretching on and on. Life keeps going. The world keeps spinning and I keep missing you. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by knowing that the missing you, the hurting, the sadness will continue until I see you again. The rest of my life, it seems like such a long time to feel this way.
Sometimes life is hard. On the hard days, when unpleasant things happen or when life throws another challenge at us, I long for you even more. The need to have you here with us becomes almost unbearable, as if my heart knows that if I could just have you back, then everything would be okay.
This year seems especially painful. Maybe because Jamee and Jade are away at school and I miss having my girls here. Or perhaps it's because Kruz is two years old now, the same age you were when you left us and I worry often about being able to keep him safe. Of course it could be just because five years seems like such a very long time.
I started a new blog to honor you. Sometimes I need to write about all of the things that are on my heart, the things you've taught me, the way you've changed me. This blog really didn't seem like the right place to do that and neither did our family blog. So I started a new one and I will close the family blog. But I will keep this one. This is my special place for you, where I can come and look at your pictures, read all of the memories and remember that somehow, we really have survived this. I titled the new blog "God is Good, All the Time" because every single day, especially on the days when I miss you so badly, I have to remind myself of that. I have to hang onto that one, very important truth because sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me going.
God is good, all the time and because of that I am going to see you again someday. I can't wait.
5 years since the day I last held you but 5 years closer to the day I get to hold you again.
I love you so, so much baby girl.
You're the prettiest.
Mommy
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