CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Thursday, September 30, 2010


This day 20 years ago was a beautiful, warm Sunday afternoon.  The air was warm but there was a crisp breeze and the smells of fall permeated the air.  There was not a cloud to be found in the sky.  I can say this with great confidence because it was the day that Jim and I were married.  September 30, 1990 we made vows to each other and to our God to be true and faithful to one another.  We promised to be together through good times and bad, in days of want and plenty, in sickness and in health, and through joy and sorrow.  There is one particular thing that was said at our ceremony that I have carried close to my heart for all of these years.  The minister who was marrying us told a story of a small child who was asked to recite the 23rd Psalm.  The little girl, in total, complete innocence stood up and began......."The Lord is my shepherd, that's ALL I want"

The only word that I can come up with to describe our 20 years together; and it seems pathetically inadequate, is "beautiful."  These years have not been perfect.  We have certainly not lived a fairy tale, text book version of marriage.  However, we have found that it is the acceptance of each other's imperfections and the perseverance through trials that make marriage so incredibly beautiful.  Jim and I have made mistakes.....big ones......sometimes in regard to one another, sometimes in other relationships.  At times our mistakes have been of a financial/business nature, at times our mistakes have been in our parenting.  We have had times when our faith has blossomed and flourished, as well as times when we allowed our faith to become weak and stagnant.  All of these things, the joys, the sorrows, the sunny days and the stormy nights have worked together to make a beautiful marriage union. 

My heart is grateful that 20 years ago there was no magic window that  would allow us to see into our future.  As we dressed and prepared for our wedding, we were naive and idealistic,  perhaps even painfully ignorant.  I think that if we could have seen what lay before us, we would have turned away and said "No way, we can't do that."  Indeed, I think that we would have said that "we WON'T do that."   Yet God, in his infinite wisdom, kept these things from us.  He did not allow us to see that we would have four beautiful biological children.  He did not tell us that adoption would be a part of our future.  He so wisely withheld the fact that severe disabilites would be our life. We didn't know that we would be blessed by Down Syndrome or that it would be snatched away from us in one breath.  All of these things have come to us like waves on the sea: at times soft and gentle, while at other times, fierce and crashing. 

Our Lord has stood by us through the mountains and the valleys.  He has granted us mercy in the face of our many mistakes and grace in the times of great trials.  Jim and I have slipped many times, we have often lost sight of our Lord, but He, in his great love, is not letting go of us.  He holds onto us when we think we're bigger than we really are and he shows us the way when we are lost.  He has kept us faithful to one another, and has used great trials to help us see that our marriage is a gift.  He has grown us together.  

Today, on our 20 year anniversary, I stand in awe of  how our God has used the death of our beautiful little girl to strengthen us against all odds.  Jim has been my rock and my comfort through this most treacherous storm.  Though we've lost sight of this from time to time, "the Lord is our shepherd, that's all we want."

What therefore God hath joined together
let not man put asunder
Matthew 10:9

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on 20 years. I have been reading your blog and my heart breaks for you and your family. Laynee is such a beautiful little girl. I will keep you in my prayers and know that Laynee is looking down on you with that beautiful smile.