CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Saturday, September 4, 2010


Tonight as the memories and waves of desperation wash over me I find myself reflecting on the last year.  Much of it has been purged from my memory and what I do remember is a hazy blur.  It seems to me that nothing of real significance has taken place.  Moise has had an uneventful year in the area of health, for which I am so grateful.  Our focus has been on our children and helping them through the trauma and grief that they have experienced.  I suppose that like Noah's flood, grief and sorrow have washed eveything else away. 

As I was lying in bed tonight, exhausted but sleepless, my heart longed for a reprieve from all of this pain.  It seems that in my desperation I have tried just about everything to find relief.  I have searched hopelessly for something, anything that might help me to feel closer to Laynee. I confess that I have done some pretty bizarre things in the name of seeking comfort.

I have decided that this will be an ongoing post.  As I continue on this journey, I am quite certain that my days of desperation are not over.  My creative mind will undoubtedly dream up many other ways to find comfort.  Then, when I feel ready to share my moments of weakness, I will add the crazy  things that I do to this list.  Someday, a long time fom now, I will look back and who knows, maybe these things will even bring a smile.  My first confession is this ....... "I hope that the "a long time from now" in the sentence above never comes.  I hope that we get to see Laynee in heaven sooner, not later.  I don't want to be here a long time without her.  It's already been too long.

I confess that............

* I often go into her room at night to get her bear and blanky so that I can hold it close as I sleep.  I love the smell of bear's nose from the many nights of being sucked on by Laynee.  Some may call this disgusting, I call it as close to heaven as I can get and still be here.  Sometimes I get frustrated because the stuffy nose from endless tears prohibits me from smelling her scent. 

*I have crawled into her crib, wanting to feel her close and entertaining the thought that the sheets, still rumpled from her little body, would bring comfort.

*I often bury my nose in her shoes, so desperate am I to smell her. 

*Sometimes I say her name out loud just so I can hear it on my lips. 

*Sometimes I stand at my window that looks out to my sister's home and picture Laynee running across the pasture to see her hee hees.

*When on the golf cart, I stop when I go past the cows because it's what we always had to do and  I can see her face saying "mmmmmm" to them. 

*I once attempted to return a huge bag full of clothes that I had bought for her next season.  I thought that because she never wore them I might be able to return.  I walked back out with the bag of clothes.  As I stood in line I imagined the clerk asking "why are you returning these."  I panicked at the thought of this question and left, bag in hand.  Those clothes are still in the bag, on the floor of her closet.

*Sometimes I put in her sing along videos and imagine her standing on the couch in rapt attention.

*I have pulled down the box of her favorite books and sat with my feet out in front of me on the floor, reading  them, complete with animated sounds, just like I would to her. 

*Sometimes I sit in the center of my sofa, just staring at nothing, for long periods of time. 

* When home alone, I sing her songs loudly.  "Laynee Bug, Laynee Bug HEY Laynee Laynee Bug." and "Laynee, Laynee give me your answer do.  I'm half crazy all for the love of you........"

*Sometimes I wander into the little girls department of stores, dreaming of what I would be buying her.

*I still have a stack of her diapers and sometimes I get one out to remind me of that cute little rear end.  I usually have to smell it too.

*I have taken her diaper bag and put it on my shoulder, wanting to feel it's weight.

*I have smothered myself in her lotion many times before going to bed. 

*Once, Jamee and I took a box of glass items and threw them in an effort to vent.  It was quite enjoyable. 

*I have wondered on more than one occassion if this is what it feels like to go crazy.  I've even hoped for insanity because that seems like it would hurt less.

*I have hidden in my bedroom, not wanting to talk to whoever it was that came to my door. 

*There have been a few times when I have gone back to bed after the kids left, simply because I couldn't face the day.

*I have childishly stuck my tongue out at a person or two for the ridiculous remarks they have made about Laynee's death.

*I have sat on my toilet and held her hooded bath towel close to me. 

*I have wished many times that I like the taste of alcohol, thinking now might be a good time to become a drunk.

* I have beat my fists upon the floor of her room

*I search hard to find any other way to say that she is gone, rather than to say we "LOST" her.  I kow where she is, therefore she is not lost.

*I obsess over something happening and all of her pictures being gone.  I have prints, files in the computer, discs and flash drives in a fireproof  safe.

*Some of her pictures have smudges all over from the many kisses I've placed on them.

* There are still a pair of shoes and a beat up monkey that Garrett gave her shortly before she died sitting on my window sill in the laundry room.  I know I should move them but.......maybe next week.

* I have determined that the best place for crying is in the shower or bathtub with the water running.

* I don't want her to be "perfect" in heaven, I want her exactly like she was when I see her again.

I confess that all of these bring some slight measure of comfort, if only for a moment. 

1 comment:

  1. "I have wondered on more than one occasion if this is what it feels like to go crazy. I've even hoped for insanity because that seems like it would hurt less."

    Yes. I hear you, Karol.

    Your list is the real thing; real life wading through real grief. I'm so glad you put it down.

    Praying and praying for you, especially now.

    Oh, Laynee, we want you now. If only we could be where you are.

    Cathy in Missouri