Easter

It's Easter and I have spent the last several days pondering the gift of salvation, the sacrifice paid for mankind.  Yet, even as my heart is filled with wonder and awe, the pain of Laynee's abscence has once again crashed into me like a mighty blow.  It seems that holidays have the effect of a double edged sword, bringing joy to one part of my heart and deep, searing sadness to another part.  Once again, I wonder how it is that there is room for so much within one soul.

It has occurred to me that this is our first "normal" Easter without Laynee.  Last year we spent the holiday on the beach, away from the usual activities of this sacred holiday.  There were no expectations of any of us, no Easter baskets or egg hunts to serve as a reminder of what has been taken from us.  But alas, life goes on, a year has past, and here we are.........still without her and still missing her.    Dare I say that it seems that some have forgotten or, at the very least, have no clue how painful a holiday is without the ones we love.

 My senses have been heightened lately to the reminders that surround us.  Yesterday, a trip to the mall and seeing children climbing up onto the lap of the "Easter Bunny" felt like a punch in the stomach.  In reality, I never took our kids to see the "Easter Bunny."   Still, the children served as a reminder.  Everywhere I looked, there were pretty, springy dresses in yellows, pinks and white.  Baskets, bright colored eggs and pictures of innocence, hung in every store.  I took Moise to the food court while the girls spent some time in one particular strore.  Young teenage girls swarmed the area, their arms filled with babies and toddlers.  They toted them around, showing them off as though they were meant to be put on display.  Some yelled at their children.  Some of the very small children wore summer outfits on a very cold day:  cute--but not sensible.  I watched as these little ones were passed around among the teenagers and I fought the pull toward resentment.  I struggled with trying to make sense of something that can never make sense.  As I walked back to my own teenagers I prayed:  "Lord, I just don't understand but I do trust you."

My heart is heavy with sorrow but I  am thankful that there is another side to this "double edged sword."  As we celebrate this Easter holiday there is one truth that stands out above all else.  It is because of this.......the Son, the cross, the sacrifice, the death, the resurrection........that I know I will see my little girl agian some day.  Until then.........I wait, as one with great hope.

Nothing Personal

Life is filled with what I call "aah ha" moments, those moments of sudden awareness. During an "aah ha" moment, matters of the mind seem to click into place and our eyes are opened to fresh realization.  Last week I had such a moment, a very profound one at that.  I have derived, from that moment, a new and entirely different perspective, one that I hope will stay with me until I see heaven.

I've noticed that often when someone experiences the death of a child, as time passes, they begin to fall into a victim role in their mentality.  The victim role manifests itself through thoughts such as:  "why me?" "how could God do this to me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" I admit that on occasion I have been guilty of asking such questions.  In the case of the death of a loved one, the victim role is misplaced and inaccurate.  In our case, Laynee was a victim of drowning.  I was not a victim, just a very sad, grief stricken mommy.  It is critical to know and recognize the difference.  As parents we view our children as a part of us, their lives intricately entwined into the very fiber of our being. When a child dies it feels as though a part of our soul goes with them. It feels much like a very personal attack on us. We tend to have hurt feelings and feel offended that God would do such a thing to us.   This victim perspective is dangerous as it allows the enemy to have a firm grip on us and he will devour us in this role.  He builds upon the lie that God is against us. 

 Recently, in my "aah ha" moment,  I was struck with the clear truth that Laynee's death was not personal at all.  Her death was not about me.  Even though she felt like such a part of me, she was her own individual person. Though our paths crossed in a most intimate way, the journey was not one and the same.  God had a plan for her life that was seperate from his plan for my life. His plan for Laynee was short,  only 2.5 years.  She would be born to earth on Jan. 30, 2007 and would be taken to heaven on Sept. 7, 2009.  In the time between, God planned for her to be cherished and treasured by our family.   His plan to take her was not about me, it was simply his divine plan for Laynee.  My God, in his great mercy and wisdom had a seperate plan for me.  Part of that plan was to bless me with the awesome priviledge of being Laynee's mommy.  Also part of his plan was to provide me with what I needed to withstand the onslaught of sorrow that would come as a result of the completion of Laynee's plan.  He would use Laynee's plan and the ensuing grief to strengthen me, to discipline me and ultimately......to refine me. 

When we allow ourselves to step outside the box and look at the big picture, to see ourselves as unique and individual entities, we can see that when he chooses to take our loved ones home, it is not about us but about his perfect plan.  Only then can we see that his plan for us is to shower us with love, mercy and grace in the shadow of death. That is about us............That is personal..............That is perfect love.  

For I know the plans I have for you,"

declares the LORD, "

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

 plans to give you hope and a future.

~Jeremiah 29:11~

Sharing the Sunshine

Looking through the files of pictures of my baby girl tonight

I had to share a little bit of her sunshine

So sweet......................

So Beautiful......................

So fun..........................

So innocent......................

                                                            So Precious..........

So Happy......................

So absent and so desperately missed.