I've noticed that often when someone experiences the death of a child, as time passes, they begin to fall into a victim role in their mentality. The victim role manifests itself through thoughts such as: "why me?" "how could God do this to me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" I admit that on occasion I have been guilty of asking such questions. In the case of the death of a loved one, the victim role is misplaced and inaccurate. In our case, Laynee was a victim of drowning. I was not a victim, just a very sad, grief stricken mommy. It is critical to know and recognize the difference. As parents we view our children as a part of us, their lives intricately entwined into the very fiber of our being. When a child dies it feels as though a part of our soul goes with them. It feels much like a very personal attack on us. We tend to have hurt feelings and feel offended that God would do such a thing to us. This victim perspective is dangerous as it allows the enemy to have a firm grip on us and he will devour us in this role. He builds upon the lie that God is against us.
Recently, in my "aah ha" moment, I was struck with the clear truth that Laynee's death was not personal at all. Her death was not about me. Even though she felt like such a part of me, she was her own individual person. Though our paths crossed in a most intimate way, the journey was not one and the same. God had a plan for her life that was seperate from his plan for my life. His plan for Laynee was short, only 2.5 years. She would be born to earth on Jan. 30, 2007 and would be taken to heaven on Sept. 7, 2009. In the time between, God planned for her to be cherished and treasured by our family. His plan to take her was not about me, it was simply his divine plan for Laynee. My God, in his great mercy and wisdom had a seperate plan for me. Part of that plan was to bless me with the awesome priviledge of being Laynee's mommy. Also part of his plan was to provide me with what I needed to withstand the onslaught of sorrow that would come as a result of the completion of Laynee's plan. He would use Laynee's plan and the ensuing grief to strengthen me, to discipline me and ultimately......to refine me.
When we allow ourselves to step outside the box and look at the big picture, to see ourselves as unique and individual entities, we can see that when he chooses to take our loved ones home, it is not about us but about his perfect plan. Only then can we see that his plan for us is to shower us with love, mercy and grace in the shadow of death. That is about us............That is personal..............That is perfect love.
For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the LORD, "
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.