It's Easter and I have spent the last several days pondering the gift of salvation, the sacrifice paid for mankind. Yet, even as my heart is filled with wonder and awe, the pain of Laynee's abscence has once again crashed into me like a mighty blow. It seems that holidays have the effect of a double edged sword, bringing joy to one part of my heart and deep, searing sadness to another part. Once again, I wonder how it is that there is room for so much within one soul.
It has occurred to me that this is our first "normal" Easter without Laynee. Last year we spent the holiday on the beach, away from the usual activities of this sacred holiday. There were no expectations of any of us, no Easter baskets or egg hunts to serve as a reminder of what has been taken from us. But alas, life goes on, a year has past, and here we are.........still without her and still missing her. Dare I say that it seems that some have forgotten or, at the very least, have no clue how painful a holiday is without the ones we love.
My senses have been heightened lately to the reminders that surround us. Yesterday, a trip to the mall and seeing children climbing up onto the lap of the "Easter Bunny" felt like a punch in the stomach. In reality, I never took our kids to see the "Easter Bunny." Still, the children served as a reminder. Everywhere I looked, there were pretty, springy dresses in yellows, pinks and white. Baskets, bright colored eggs and pictures of innocence, hung in every store. I took Moise to the food court while the girls spent some time in one particular strore. Young teenage girls swarmed the area, their arms filled with babies and toddlers. They toted them around, showing them off as though they were meant to be put on display. Some yelled at their children. Some of the very small children wore summer outfits on a very cold day: cute--but not sensible. I watched as these little ones were passed around among the teenagers and I fought the pull toward resentment. I struggled with trying to make sense of something that can never make sense. As I walked back to my own teenagers I prayed: "Lord, I just don't understand but I do trust you."
My heart is heavy with sorrow but I am thankful that there is another side to this "double edged sword." As we celebrate this Easter holiday there is one truth that stands out above all else. It is because of this.......the Son, the cross, the sacrifice, the death, the resurrection........that I know I will see my little girl agian some day. Until then.........I wait, as one with great hope.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.