Today at work I documented the date countless times. With each patient that I saw, I wrote 7/7/11. With each scratch of those numbers I was struck, not so much by the date, but by the continued intensity of pain 22 months after our Laynee was taken from us. It continues to take my breath away.
As I think back on the first year, I recall the words of many who seemed to believe that the first year would be the most difficult. They were wrong. This second year has been every bit as painful but there is one major difference. There is not as much freedom to express the pain. People assume that the pain is lessened and that we have "moved on." The prayers have lessened (we can sense that) and the enemy of souls has attacked in mighty ways in this second year. In recent weeks and months I have had oppurtunity to talk to a few mothers who have lost children years ago. These women do not tell me that the pain gets better after the first year. They tell me the truth, that after 12 years, 25 years, 31 years the pain continues. They tell me that every single day they remember, they hurt, they long for their child.
Most days I still open my eyes to the morning light feeling as though the weight of the world rests upon my shoulders. I still want her back..... every single day I want my baby girl back and still, my mind cannot wrap around the reality that I can't get her back. Tonight as I was driving home I looked to the sky, knowing that she's there and I'm here and I want her here or I want to be there and "Please Lord, just another day with her, let me see her just one more time.
Death is forever and grief is for always. It's not getting better and it's not going to get better. I am overwhelmed with knowing that I will hurt for the rest of my life. Every day I wonder if I'm really going to make it through this.
How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever?
how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart daily?