Today at work I documented the date countless times. With each patient that I saw, I wrote 7/7/11. With each scratch of those numbers I was struck, not so much by the date, but by the continued intensity of pain 22 months after our Laynee was taken from us. It continues to take my breath away.
As I think back on the first year, I recall the words of many who seemed to believe that the first year would be the most difficult. They were wrong. This second year has been every bit as painful but there is one major difference. There is not as much freedom to express the pain. People assume that the pain is lessened and that we have "moved on." The prayers have lessened (we can sense that) and the enemy of souls has attacked in mighty ways in this second year. In recent weeks and months I have had oppurtunity to talk to a few mothers who have lost children years ago. These women do not tell me that the pain gets better after the first year. They tell me the truth, that after 12 years, 25 years, 31 years the pain continues. They tell me that every single day they remember, they hurt, they long for their child.
Most days I still open my eyes to the morning light feeling as though the weight of the world rests upon my shoulders. I still want her back..... every single day I want my baby girl back and still, my mind cannot wrap around the reality that I can't get her back. Tonight as I was driving home I looked to the sky, knowing that she's there and I'm here and I want her here or I want to be there and "Please Lord, just another day with her, let me see her just one more time.
Death is forever and grief is for always. It's not getting better and it's not going to get better. I am overwhelmed with knowing that I will hurt for the rest of my life. Every day I wonder if I'm really going to make it through this.
Psalm 13:1-2
How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever?
how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart daily?
Thinking and Praying for you!! I read your blog often (whenever you post) but i never comment! I think of Laynee often too. I sure she is in Heaven having a good 'ol time. Keep your head up mamma, the time will come when you will see her again.
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through it... Laynee will see to it.Someway,somehow,she will see to it.
ReplyDeleteMy mommy friends,who are missing their babies as well,have all said ... the second year,harder than the first.I will pray harder for you and your broken heart.
If someone who actually had their child die ever made the comment that "it gets easier" or "this year is easier than that year" - I have never encountered it. The only people who say that have never borne the dreadful weight of death's bitterness.
ReplyDeleteDo others say that to make themselves feel better? Because they don't make the family feel better. I wish they would be silent or just give a hug or something other than pretending that the grief will end before Heaven.
And thank God, thank God, we do have that solid hope of Heaven. Not that it makes now hurt less. Not that God is *not* good now - because we know He is. But we also realize that He is willing to allow (for reasons we will understand later) some unimaginable suffering during this life. His own Son is our number one proof.
So I guess we go on like Jesus, "Who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross."
You are certainly enduring it now.
And I pray with all my heart that the "joy set before you" is right around the corner. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.
My friend Carol went to join Laynee this week. I wish I was there, with them both. I know you do, too. No, this is not morbid. This is "fixing our eyes on the things not yet seen."
Until the joy comes and the dawn breaks,
Cathy in Missouri