How I wish that this were not a part of our lives.   That Christmas did not include trips to the cemetary and lighting candles in rememberance.   Two year olds are not supposed to be in the cemetary on Christmas. They should be singing of baby Jesus and staring with wide eyed wonder at twinkling lights and brightly wrapped packages.  Oh how I wish.............

............but here we are, doing that which seems so incredibly wrong. 

Loving her, missing her and somehow going on without her.

Merry Christmas Sweet Jalayne

It's Christmas time around here, Laynee.  There is much activity and much excitement as we prepare.  Presents are wrapped, food is prepared, lots and lots of sweet things have been made and we are all ready for Christmas.  There are glittering lights everywhere you look, stockings, wreaths, trees and good smells are in abundance.  It doesn't seem much like Christmas because the sun is shining brightly and there is no snow on the ground this year.  But that's okay because ever since you left us and went to heaven, Christmas doesn't feel the same anyway. 

We know that you are happy in heaven, Laynee, and you probably wouldn't come back here to earth, even if you could.  We are happy too but sad at the same time.  This is the third time we have had Christmas without you and it seems like it should get easier but today my heart hurts so much.  When we are all together is when it hurts the most.  In my mind I picture exactly where you should be, who you should be playing with, the foods that you should be devouring, the gifts you should be opening. 

I miss you sweet one.  I miss you so very much.  Have a beautiful Heavenly Christmas.  Tell Jesus "Happy Birthday"  and thank him for the beautiful gift He gave to us.  It is because of His gift to us that we can be happy and sad here without you.  Because with His gift we know that someday we are going to celebrate Christmas with you in heaven.  Someday...........until then we will celebrate, we will be happy and sad and we will miss you every single day.

Merry Christmas Laynee Grace.

 I LOVE YOU

Angel By Our Side

There's a song I love.  I first heard it on Jamee's old iPod that I often use when I am cleaning or out for a run or working out on my eliptical machine.  Jade is also heard singing this song quite often.  Lately, as my thoughts are drawn to Christ's birth, and angels, and peace on earth, this song is almost constantly on my mind.

A new ornament hangs from the branches of our Christmas Tree.  An angel, representative of Laynee's third Christmas in heaven.  In the quietness of this morning, I stood for awhile, staring, mesmerized by this angel ornament and the twinkling lights behind it. 

As I stood in front of this angel, waves of emotion washed over me as I reflect upon all that was and is and should have been.   Disbelief still seems to take precedence over all other thoughts; disbelief that she really is gone, that she has not come back and now perhaps most of all, that she has spent more holiday seasons in heaven than she did on earth.  I have lived two years, two months and twelve days with the ever present aching, throbbing awareness that my beautiful little one has gone before me, to a place that my mind cannot begin to wrap around.    I wonder:  How can it be?  How can it be that it has been so long?  How can it be that we have survived this?  And in response, this song filters through the fog of pain and sadness. 

I know that, in reality, Laynee is not an Angel but a Saint.   Regardless, of what we call her, the song reminds me that, even though sometimes she feels so far away, she has been with us.  She has been there praying over us and somehow I believe that she has helped us to get through the darkness that has followed her own earthly death. 

Our sweet angel baby who charmed us in this life, has been constantly by our side. She has done the work of our father and led us through this deluge of suffering, caring for us and loving us from her place in heaven. 

 The Angel By Our Side. 

I Love you Sweet Baby. 

I LOVE you and miss you so much

A Long Lost Feeling

This week I felt a stir of something deep inside of me.  It was a feeling so long dormant that it was barely recongnizable, a feeling I never thought I would feel again.  It is a feeling that signifies a measure, regardless of how small, of healing.  

As I was folding laundry, I was thinking of Christmas baking with the kids.  Jamee would be coming in on the train soon, and Jade and I have plans for many delightful holiday treats.  Kiss cookies, cutouts, caramels, and a few new treats are all in the plans.  While I enjoy eating the traditional holiday treats, time spent in the kitchen with the kids and carols, flour, frosting, laughter, and mounds of dirty dishes brings far more pleasure than the indulgence of our creations.

These thoughts of what is soon to come brought true and genuine excitement.  It was not the bittersweet feeling of joy mixed with sorrow.  It was excitement in it's purest form.  For the first time in years, I am excited.  Excited for Christmas and all that it represesents, in spite of the fact that my sweet baby girl will once again be missing this year.  Her stocking, void of brightly wrapped gifts, hangs limp from her stocking holder, a reminder of the love and joy that one little girl brought to our home.  Angel ornaments hang from our tree, symbolic of each Christmas spent without her.    I desperately wish that we had our almost five year old here to add her own personality to this year's holiday baking, to lick the bowls and to eat more than her share of goodies.  Still, I know that even without her the rest of us will be together.  There will be love, joy, and new memories made this holiday season.    It will not be the same but it will be good. 

God is good.