A new ornament hangs from the branches of our Christmas Tree. An angel, representative of Laynee's third Christmas in heaven. In the quietness of this morning, I stood for awhile, staring, mesmerized by this angel ornament and the twinkling lights behind it.
As I stood in front of this angel, waves of emotion washed over me as I reflect upon all that was and is and should have been. Disbelief still seems to take precedence over all other thoughts; disbelief that she really is gone, that she has not come back and now perhaps most of all, that she has spent more holiday seasons in heaven than she did on earth. I have lived two years, two months and twelve days with the ever present aching, throbbing awareness that my beautiful little one has gone before me, to a place that my mind cannot begin to wrap around. I wonder: How can it be? How can it be that it has been so long? How can it be that we have survived this? And in response, this song filters through the fog of pain and sadness.
I know that, in reality, Laynee is not an Angel but a Saint. Regardless, of what we call her, the song reminds me that, even though sometimes she feels so far away, she has been with us. She has been there praying over us and somehow I believe that she has helped us to get through the darkness that has followed her own earthly death.
Our sweet angel baby who charmed us in this life, has been constantly by our side. She has done the work of our father and led us through this deluge of suffering, caring for us and loving us from her place in heaven.
I Love you Sweet Baby.
I LOVE you and miss you so much