A Long Lost Feeling

This week I felt a stir of something deep inside of me.  It was a feeling so long dormant that it was barely recongnizable, a feeling I never thought I would feel again.  It is a feeling that signifies a measure, regardless of how small, of healing.  

As I was folding laundry, I was thinking of Christmas baking with the kids.  Jamee would be coming in on the train soon, and Jade and I have plans for many delightful holiday treats.  Kiss cookies, cutouts, caramels, and a few new treats are all in the plans.  While I enjoy eating the traditional holiday treats, time spent in the kitchen with the kids and carols, flour, frosting, laughter, and mounds of dirty dishes brings far more pleasure than the indulgence of our creations.

These thoughts of what is soon to come brought true and genuine excitement.  It was not the bittersweet feeling of joy mixed with sorrow.  It was excitement in it's purest form.  For the first time in years, I am excited.  Excited for Christmas and all that it represesents, in spite of the fact that my sweet baby girl will once again be missing this year.  Her stocking, void of brightly wrapped gifts, hangs limp from her stocking holder, a reminder of the love and joy that one little girl brought to our home.  Angel ornaments hang from our tree, symbolic of each Christmas spent without her.    I desperately wish that we had our almost five year old here to add her own personality to this year's holiday baking, to lick the bowls and to eat more than her share of goodies.  Still, I know that even without her the rest of us will be together.  There will be love, joy, and new memories made this holiday season.    It will not be the same but it will be good. 

God is good.