I am a bit late in posting about the beginning of a new year, but only a little I suppose. I find myself wondering if it can really be that just a week ago we were still in 2011. Truth is, I've come here a few times, even written a few lines but then I delete them. Usually I end up just looking back, reading old posts, staring at the pictures of my girl, and shaking my head at the reality that is our life.
The dawning of a new year seems to be a time of taking inventory. It is human nature to look at where we have been, where we are, and where we are going. As I look back at the posts I have written in the last year, grief's ebb and flow is evident. A measure of healing has clearly taken place and I suspect there will be even more healing in the coming year. The pain is now like a dull throbbing headache with frequent sharp pangs that continue to take my breath away. My arms continue their aching for her yet they seem to have grown accustomed to the emptiness. There are still times when I awaken in the night with her name on my lips and crushing weight within my chest. Nightmarish images frequently rear their ugly head but I've become adept at putting them aside and replacing them with thoughts less painful. And so it goes, a little more healing, day by day, year by year. Now. And Forever. Until heaven.
Looking ahead at the coming year, I cannot help thinking that she should be almost five. Five years old, a glorious age when life is exciting for little sponge like minds. How great would be the anticipation of that magical date, her birthday. Would we have a party with little friends and party hats? With a five year old it should be a year in which sidewalk chalk, bubbles, and juice boxes are a staple. Would T ball fill up our summer calendar? Would she go to kindergarden in the fall? I wonder all of these things about the year 2012, though I know on a cerebral level, that these things were never meant to be a part of her life.
I look forward to the new year with a mixture of excitement and dread. I am well aware that a year can hold much excitement. Yet I know also that a year can bring devastation so great that it washes all else away. I do not know what the new year will bring but I do know that my God will reign sovereign for the entire year. And I rest in that awareness.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.