The coming of Spring

Today the sun is shining brightly and while it cannot exactly be considered warm outside, it's much warmer than the bitter cold of a few weeks ago.  Mid February brings with it the promise of brighter days.    The snow is beginning to melt.  A few brave birds are making an appearance. The hours of daylight are growing.    Winter's days are numbered.  It is inevitable that spring will come to Central Illinois.

Normally, the hope and promise of springtime would stir excitement and hope in me.  This year the radiant sunshine beaming through the windows fills me with apprehension and anxiety.  I feel a sense of dread, knowing that sunny days will bombard us with memories of a little girl who will not be here to welcome springtime with us.  Though I am very much an outdoor person,  I have spent little time outside this winter.  I am faithful to getting out for exercise, but otherwise I've spent the cold months indoors.  I've barely even stepped outside the door to the deck or backyard.

I'm terrified of the memories and subsequent pain that lay waiting on our property.   I know that I've been out in our yard since the accident.  Surely there were many splendid days in September and October when I was out with the kids.  Looking back at past blog posts is proof  of  time spent outdoors since the accident.  The odd thing is that I have no recollection of having been in the back yard since September 7.    It undoubtedly holds a host of painful memories that I will soon be faced with. Laynee couldn't get enough of outdoors.  So, for the first time in my  life, I look forward to spring with heavy heart and dread.