I do have some memories of the accident and the days immediately following but they seem fragmented and misplaced. They come to me as frozen images on the pages of my mind, as though someone has pushed the pause button during a horror movie. The next few months seem to have passed in a hazy fog, like standing on the outside looking in. There are events that I know took place, places where I know I went, yet they do not show up on the radar of my memory. For example, I know that both Jamee and Jade, competed in and did very well at the state cross country meets. I know also that I was there, but I do not recall anything about either of these events. I know that I have gotten up every single day since we lost Laynee. I have never given in to the powerful urge to pull the covers over my head and not face life without her. I know that I have fed my family, gone to work, and done all the other things that are a normal part of my life. I know it, but I cannot remember it. It is both disconcerting and comforting to have such a large chunk of time blotted from memory.
To the medical world this abscence of memory may be called shock. Psychology may refer to it as a level of dissociation. Most would likely say that I have been functioning on "autopilot." I call it MERCY. I stand in awe as I realize that our Creator, even as he designed the human mind, was filled with merciful compassion. He, in his infinite wisdom and might, knew that the human race would endure unspeakable suffering and grief. He lovingly created us so that, in the face of devastation and loss, our mind has the ability to protect us. It occurs to me that if our minds were to retain all of the anguish that overwhelms the soul in times of great loss, we would be hopelessly unable to endure. I have no desire to remember the details of days following Laynee's accident. Even without remembering, I know that they were indescribably painful and praise Him for a mind that has the ability to wipe it from memory.
As I type tonight the words of a beloved song, Wonderful Merciful Savior, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiVvHxgHL5Q play through my mind. Counselor, comforter, keeper........ he offers hope when our hearts have hopelessly lost our way. Even without remembering I know that He has guided me when the blinding pain has blurred my vision. He gives the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for. He has shown me His grace in numerous, miraculous way. I believe that this ablility to forget is a gift, given that we might find healing. Almighty, infinite father, faithfully loving his own, here in our weakness he finds us falling before his throne. I am weak in a way that I have never been before, yet my God is on his throne and will not leave me to struggle alone. For this I praise Him.
I cannot begin to understand the ways of almighty God but I can see, even in something as simple as forgetfulness, that he is a God of mercy and love. The mere fact that he allows us to forget is testimony to his unfailing love. In times of darkness and great weakness he intercedes for us in mighty ways. God is good all the time.
And he said unto me, my grace is
sufficient for thee; for my
strength is made perfect in weakness
II Chorinthians 12:9
II Chorinthians 12:9