CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

God Said "NO"

This past Sunday we sang a song  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcHvkxFJy8E&feature=related 
 It was a familiar song, one that we sing often, yet the words struck a chord in me this time.  Here are the words.

I lift my eyes up unto the mountains
Where does my help come from
My help comes from you Maker of Heaven
Creator of the earth

My brain seemed to get stuck on the words Maker of Heaven, Creator of the Earth.  I was trasported in  mind to another day, another time.  I can clearly hear the words of a prayer from six months ago.  I don't know where we were, perhaps on the deck, or in the car, or at the hospital.  I'm not even entirely sure that it was I who prayed, though I think it was.  Regardless of who spoke the words, the prayer that came from the very depths of the soul was this......."Lord God, it was you who created the heavens and the earth and you can save my baby.  I beg you to let us keep our baby."  It is a prayer that I fear will haunt me for the rest of my days. It was a prayer of complete and utter desperation.  It was a prayer of pleading to a God who performs miracles. It was a prayer of belief in a mighty God mixed with disbelief that we were actually living this nightmare.   My God turns water to wine and gives sight to the blind.  My Lord, with the simple words "get up," raised Jairus' daughter from the dead.  In my heart and soul I knew, from the instant I pulled her from the pool, that Laynee was gone from us, but my God could bring her back to me.  He could!!!  But he didn't.  Does this mean that He did not hear my prayer?  Did He turn a deaf ear on the prayer of my heart? Did he choose not to answer? Was He even there?   Because of my humanity I admit to being tempted to see it that way. There is a part of me that wants to say "God didn't answer my prayer."  "How could He have been there and not answer my prayer?" Yet I know, that I know, that I know, that He was there. God did hear my prayer and He did answer.  The answer was "no." The answer that I sought was not the answer that He gave. For reasons that I will likey never learn, this side of heaven, my God said "no." As I've given thought to this in recent days, it occurs to me that because my Lord is full of compassion, it likely pained him to say "no."   Of course, I believe that there was great rejoicing as He brought my beautiful angel home to him, but for me, and for all of us who miss her so much, I suspect He felt sadness. As parents, we know how, at times, it hurts to say "no" to our children, especially when the subject matter is important to them.  Yet out of love, because we see a bigger picture, because we have wisdom where they do not, we sometimes have to say "no" and it hurts.  It hurts us because it hurts them.  God, in His infinite wisdom, because He sees what I cannot, said "no."   I believe that this same God, in His boundless love and compassion, hurt for the pain that we, His children would endure as a result of His answer.   

My God did not say "no" without promise that He would see us through.  Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.  Hebrews 13:5   His word promises that He has whatever we need to get through this.  My God shall supply all your need, according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19  Though Jim and I and our children have been faithful in holding each other up through this time of grief, we are human, with human weaknesses and frailties.   We are nothing and can do nothing for one another without our Lord.  Our hope of surviving this, our hope of seeing Laynee again, our hope for healing, is in Him and Him alone. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Romans 1:12
    As the rest of the song says, I hope, and I pray, and I wait.  Someday I'm going to see my Laynee Girl again.
Oh, how I need you Lord, you are my only hope
You're my only prayer
So I will wait for you to come and resue me
To come and give me life


  1. So difficult. So against what our human hearts want to feel. But so true. It is not out of a lack of love or disinterest in our deepest desires that he tells us "no" sometimes. I admit, though, that I have felt that way at times...that he just doesn't care. I have wondered why God would let situations go on and on when they are so hurtful to me, his child, why he wouldn't take away the bad when it goes so clearly against his Word and his best for me. At least in my mind, that is. But I must trust, because only the slightest peeks at the big picture have been granted to this point. I don't understand it all yet, and I want to just close my eyes and wish it all better, but that's not the way this imperfect world works.

    But thank you for reminding us once again that it's not up to us to figure things out. It is our job to bring him glory through EVERY situation. I'm not always so good at that...but I thank your darling family for the phenomenal example that you are of glorifying him in the most painful of circumstances.

  2. She is beautiful! I am so sorry that you are on this journey. It is a journey that none of us should have to travel. Thank you for following our story...I hope that my words can comfort you and help you through this journey.

    Just remember that His grace is perfect when our hope is gone. He will carry you. He is carrying Laynee right now. I hope our girls are playing happily.

  3. Karol,
    I love the new picture of Laynee - She is so
    here in that picture. Thank you for reminding
    us to be patient, hopeful, and faithful in
    prayer. We continue to pray for healing for
    your family and we love you.

  4. Thinking of you today and your sweet little Laynee. I know you have poored your heart into Java w/ her in mind, and now you are taking a different path. I pray you find many blessings in EVERYTHING God has for you along this new journey. May peace come to you often as you still ache as Laynee is absent from her body here on Earth. Hold on to the AWESOME comfort that she is PRESENT with our Lord!!