CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Beautiful Shades

Today I spent the better part of the day washing all of the windows in our home.   A big job.  We have alot of windows and I washed all of them, inside, outside, screens and hardware.  My thoughts were on Laynee most of the time.  Because this is such a big job and she was so very busy, she usually went to her dear Aunt Karen's on window washing day.  This was good for all, Laynee loved going to Aunt Karen's, Aunt Karen loved having Laynee and I got the windows done quicker. 

When I came to Laynee's room I stood at the door, which is always closed now, debating if I should go in and wash her windows or not.  I really didn't want to go in to do this job but I also knew that at some point the windows would have to be cleaned.  Her room looks a bit like a shrine, nothing moved from the way it was the last time she was in it, memorial items set up just so.  I decided to do it.  My heart ached inside of me as I opened the windows and allowed the fresh air in. Tears flowed as I talked to her, the words spoken and then lost in air. There were no answers, no little ears to hear what I had to say.  On her window is a shade with a large piece of one corner torn off of it.  It brought back a reminder of how, before falling asleep, she would always play in her bed for a bit.  She loved to look out the window and would pull at the shade to see out, eventually ripping it.  More than one person told me that they drove by and saw her sweet little face peeking out from the shade.  Painfully I remembered putting her in her crib and then heading out to work in the flowers, only to hear a tapping on the window and looking up to see her beaming smile.  I'd say "Laynee..........you're supposed to go night, night"  and she would just laugh at me.  I suppose to the average passer by, the torn shade in the window appears shabby and unkempt.  Perhaps people have wondered why I don't get a new shade.  I don't want a new shade: that shade is beautifully perfect.

As I went outside to wash the window, my mind kept thinking about how other's must view the shade. It occurred to me that there were some who saw Laynee in much the same way.  Some people saw Laynee as less than perfect.  Those were the people who didn't bother to look at how beautiful she was from the inside out.  Some thought it was sad because she didn't learn things as quick as most children.  This always baffled me because I never understood how one could feel sorry for a child who was larger than life, as Laynee was.  There were also those who thought that having two special needs children was somehow unfair to our other children.  These are the people who refused to look beyond what they could see.  Those who saw her as imperfect or felt sorry for her or thought our children were dealt an unfair hand are the same sort of people who see a torn window shade and refuse to consider that there is beauty on the other side. 

The torn window shade is a beautiful memory of a beautiful child who is in heaven but left her mark on this earth.  She left her mark on hearts and souls and beautiful shades.
for the LORD seeth not as man seeth;
for man looketh on theoutward appearance,
 but the LORD looketh on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7


  1. I feel so proud of you for opening the door and going in. See you soon...

  2. what a beautiful story. i can picture her peaking through the window when it's night-night time. kids reveal the biggest grin when they think they are up to no good.

  3. This put tears in my eyes. Beautiful.

  4. I just found your story, from Carly's. Went back and read all of your posts. Here I sit again crying my eyes out. The torn shade is perfect. Laynee is lucky to have had such an amazing family. Looks like she too touched many lives.

  5. What a beautiful little girl....I wish I knew her personally. Butyour words make me miss her as if I did. Sending hugs...

  6. The torn shade is a perfect example to me of all our imperfections but how our heavenly Father still loves us. Laynee helped me to love myself and my imperfections by just loving me. When Laynee would leave my home with her mommy I was always more peaceful, content with myself and so relaxed. Laynee was so perfect. She loved whoever she was with. She was so joyful. As silly as this will sound, Laynee, through all her "imperfections" reminded me of Jesus. She loved me and helped me put the important things on my agenda: loving, playing (especially hide N seek) loving,laughing, loving, dancing (the worm) loving, swinging and LOVING. Thank you Jesus for the gift of Laynee. You knew I needed her. "Aunt" Karen