While I thoroughly enjoyed watching the movies with the kids, my heart broke from all that we missed with Laynee. So many things that will never take place. So many videos that will never be taken. Words that will never be spoken, songs that will never be sung, games that will never be played. All because our time with her was cut far too short.
Oh how I wish for just one more of everything. One more hug and kiss. One more time to comb her hair after a bath. I wish that just once more I could snuggle her in her bath towel and hold her close, keeping her warm and inhaling her scent. I wish that once again I could hear her playing in her crib when she is supposed to be sleeping. I wish for dirty hands and face and feet and many changes of clothes a day. I would love to see the kittens run for their lives under the car when they catch sight of her coming for them. I wish I cold check her pacemaker again and have it tell me that her heart is beating perfectly. I miss finding little treasures stuck in the pots and pans. I want to see her dance "the worm" one more time. I long to run my fingers through her hair as she sleeps a sleep that she would soon wake up from.
The wishing, the missing, the aching, the hurting just keeps going on and on. It does not get better, but worse with each passing day. It has become my constant companion. It is there at dawns first light and remains as I turn out the lights at night. If only I could have just one more of everything. If only we still had time. If only...........
Thank you for baring your heart of love for your sweet sweet baby girl. Was ever a child more loved? You write so beautifully and draw me in to your story...and I hate it. I hate knowing that you ache so deeply. I thought of the things you're learning to see clearly when I ran across this sentiment today:
ReplyDelete“I’ve heard it said that tears help you see clearly. She once said that there are things in life you CANNOT see clearly until you’ve cried through them.”
I don't want you to cry. I wish I could lift your burden. God is the Healer and the Comforter so I'll ask Him to soothe your aching heart. We have to believe that He wants to comfort you just as you long to reach out to bless your sweet children. Let Him stroke your hair and watch you as you sleep. He'll be up loving you; He never slumbers nor sleeps. I’ll pray you’re overwhelmed with peace, peace that surpasses understanding, “crazy" peace.
“Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4: 5-7
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ReplyDeleteI long for all of the "one more"s with you.
ReplyDeleteEverything reminds me of my Mark...as if a big siren goes off in my mind each time I remember something that he did or said. Over and over and over...a hundred times a day. And, each night I fall asleep with tears as I remember the accident and his time in the hospital. And, each morning...slapped in the face once again with reality that the day wont be any better than yesterday because he is still not here.
I ache for you and your family. I seem to miss Laynee like you told me that you miss Mark...as much as someone possibly can miss a child that isn't their own. So much about her reminds me of Mark and our situations are so similar. It is hard to think about someone else feeling the same life shattering sorrow that we are.
I will be remembering you today...missing Mark...and loving Laynee.