Last night the kids got out some old home videos. It is so fun to watch and remember the kids from the early years. It brings a sense of sadness at how fast the time has gone. How can these tiny little people have so quickly turned into teens and near adults? The kids laughed at their own silly, childish ways. It's fun to see how their personalities have remained essentially the same through the years. Their sparkling eyes and tiny sweet voices took me back to a day when life seemed so very simple.
While I thoroughly enjoyed watching the movies with the kids, my heart broke from all that we missed with Laynee. So many things that will never take place. So many videos that will never be taken. Words that will never be spoken, songs that will never be sung, games that will never be played. All because our time with her was cut far too short.
Oh how I wish for just one more of everything. One more hug and kiss. One more time to comb her hair after a bath. I wish that just once more I could snuggle her in her bath towel and hold her close, keeping her warm and inhaling her scent. I wish that once again I could hear her playing in her crib when she is supposed to be sleeping. I wish for dirty hands and face and feet and many changes of clothes a day. I would love to see the kittens run for their lives under the car when they catch sight of her coming for them. I wish I cold check her pacemaker again and have it tell me that her heart is beating perfectly. I miss finding little treasures stuck in the pots and pans. I want to see her dance "the worm" one more time. I long to run my fingers through her hair as she sleeps a sleep that she would soon wake up from.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.