Gravemarker

Laynee's gravemarker was set a few days ago.  The one thing I did not want to happen, happened.  I did not want any of us to go to the cemetary and find that, unbeknownst to us, the stone had been set.  I had hoped that we could go, as a family, to see it for the first time.  For this reason, I practically begged the vault/monument company to notify us before setting it.  I specifically said, "I don't want it to just appear one day."  He assured me that would not happen, "absolutely we will call you the day we are going to set it."  They didn't.  I'm not exactly sure why this surprises me as they have been notorious for not calling when they say they will, and for not getting things done in the length of time they give. 

I am grateful that my dear friend, Joyce, was walking with me when I saw it for the first time and that I was not alone.  We walk together frequently and always stop to see Laynee at the cemetary.  As we were walking up the cemetary drive I noticed something different and it stopped me in my tracks.  It took my breath and I could feel the blood rush from my face.  My legs trembled as truth registered in my mind.  It was here, the thing that I had been both dreading and looking forward to had arrived without warning.  The black shiny stone, beautiful, but oh so cold is there to signify to all who visit that our child, our beautiful little princess, was snatched from this life long before we ready to let her go. 

The stone is beautiful without question.  The wording that we chose is perfect for Laynee.  However, her picture, etched in a sea of black, leaves much to be desired.  This did not come as any great surprise to me as I was very frustrated as we worked with the artist. The picture looks smudged and messy to me and yet there is no mistaking that the child is our Laynee.  I have accepted the fact that no human hand could ever truly capture the beauty of our little girl.  No pen can place the gleam in her eye nor the laughter in her smile.  

There is a matter that has bothered me ever since the concrete base for the stone was set several weeks ago. It's a small matter, yet it is evidence that she was so little, so young, that she should have had so much life ahead of her.  On the east side of her grave marker there is a large space of undisturbed grass before the place that she is buried.  When the base was first set I thought there was a mistake.  They must have set it in the wrong place.   But after examining it for awhile I realized that there was no mistake her marker was lined up perfectly with the other markers in the cemetary.  The reason Laynee's looks so different from the others is that hers is so small.  The casket was only half the size of normal adult casket, therefore the hole was dug only half the size.   This hurts every time I look at it.  She was just a baby, our baby, and she wasn't supposed to die.  I know that in time the grass will grow and this truth will be hidden to all who pass by but I know.  I know that her body is not buried right there where her marker is.  My Lord comforts me with the truth and knowledge that she is not really there.  She is dancing in heaven with a new body. 

The setting of the stone feels so final.  It was the last piece of official business that needed to be taken care of.  It is a representation of how much time has passed without her.  It's proof that life moves on for those of us who remain.  The stone conveys how much we love her but nothing can ever tell the story of how much we miss her.