I try hard not to let the "unfairness bug" bite me and usually I am successful. As a general rule I don't think of Laynee's accident and the grief we are experiencing as "unfair. When I see other children her age I long for Laynee but I do not think it is unfair that this child is alive while mine is not. On the contrary, I would never wish this pain on anyone. To allow myself to view our situation as unfair would be much like self pity, a sure path to depression and prolonged suffering.
Today I got bit by "unfair." Jade and Jamee are both competeing at the state level in track this weekend. This afternoon we went to watch Jade run her 1600 m run (she finished 8th in state). On the bleachers next to us was a woman with 2 strikingly beautiful children. This little baby girl and her sister, who looked to be about Laynee's age, were unnaturally well behaved. They sat on the bleachers for several hours, barely moving and hardly making a sound. The weather left much to be desired, alternating all day between cold and rainy and hot and muggy. I kept noticing how beautiful and well behaved these children were. At one point the older girl began crying about something. The mother yelled very loud for her to "shut up" and "stop crying now." She was very rough with the child, grabbing her by the arm and slapping her mouth. I often wonder, when I see such a display, what this mother must be like in private if she is like this in public. I never have and never will claim to be a perfect mother, but this sent fury through every muscle and nerve in my body. I wanted to grab the child into my arms and hold her close. I wanted to ask if she has any idea what I would give to have my child crying next to me?
Upon seeing this, the fingers of "unfair" began to work their way through me. All other coherent thought fled my mind and all I could think was "WHY?" Why would God take my baby and let this woman keep hers? Why are children being abused when mine is dead? Why? Why? Why? I wanted to stand up and scream to the thousands of people in the stands that "this is not fair!!"
The rest of the afternoon passed with a deep, aching sadness settled around me. I missed my Laynee so much. I wish that I could hold her just one more time. This evening my mind has constantly gone back to this incident. I've asked my Lord to lift me from the pit that "unfairness" leads to. I've prayed for this mother and for those 2 precious little girls. Though I cannot understand it, I know beyond a doubt that his ways are much higher than my own. It's not about fair or unfair but about knowing that God is in control and God is good.......all the time.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.