CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Along Comes Bennett

The past several weeks have been filled with much prayer and soul searching as I face the start of a new school year and ultimately a new chapter in my life, a chapter that does not have Laynee's presence written within it's lines.    Life has dealt a hand that has been difficult to play.   For me, the world seems to spin on a different axis than it did just one short year ago.

 I had been contemplating returning to my laboratory career and found that I could return to the medical office that I worked in a few years ago.   While I was definitely interested in this position, I also struggled with feeling somewhat apathetic about it. I am no longer the person that I was before. I think differently. My interests are different. My priorities have been forever altered. Those things that once seemed so important to me are now of little or no value. Things taken for granted or gone unnoticed before are now priceless to me. 

I returned to the lab last week.  I will work all day on Tuesdays and in the near future will likely add Thursdays and possibly Fridays.  I am enjoying being back at work  and am thankful for a career that feels natural and that I am very confident in.  I do have some concern about the fact that, since the accident, I  have dealt with an inability to focus and absentmindedness.  I am hopeful that being back at work and using my mind in this capacity will help me to regain some sharpness of mind. 

In addition to the lab, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I will be providing childcare for a beautiful little boy named Bennett.  This oppurtunity evolved when Bennett's mother, desperate to find child care for her multiply disabled son, was referred to me by my adoption case worker and Moise's speech pathologist in Urbana.  Bennett has a condition known as Charge Syndrome.  He is deaf, blind in one eye, developementally delayed with very low muscle tone, and was born with a Cleft Palette and thus struggles with feeding issues.  The bulk of Bennett's nutrition is given through a G tube in his belly.  This week he underwent surgery to receive bilateral (both ears)  cochlear implants.  Having dealt with all of these challenges, and then some, in either Moise or Jalayne, with the exception of the Cleft Palette, I am very familiar and not the least intimidated by any of these. 

For nearly ten years Jim and I have lived the struggle of finding quality and competent childcare for children with special needs.  It is difficult, at best, to find someone willing and able to take on the extra care that kids like Moise and Bennett require.  My experience is also that when this type of childcare is found, the cost is outrageous.  I wanted very much to be able to help this young couple and selfishly I longed to be able to care for and love Bennett and to receive the benefits that I know will come with him. 

For a time it looked as though I would not be able to work and keep Bennett as they both needed me on the same days.  Jim and I were not in agreement on the direction I should take.  He wanted me to go to work, I wanted to care for Bennett.  We committed the situation up to our Lord and then stepped back to allow him to work.   I cannot help but marvel at how he worked out all the details so beautifully. I will have Bennet on Monday/Wednesday and work Tuesday and maybe Thurs/Fri.

I will not officially begin keeping Bennet until the end of September.  However, I had the oppurtunity to have him just a few hours earlier this week.  He's beautiful.  His smile is infectious.  He is pure and simple and perfectly formed as God wanted him to be.  Instinct tells me that this little man is going to bring healing to my aching arms.  I must admit, though, that in those few hours I experienced a great deal of anxiety over the fact that something could happen to him while he is in my care.  I cannot bear the thought of another child coming to harm under my watch.

I find myself wondering, not for the first time, why it is that God seems to see fit to bring little people like Moise, Jalayne, and now Bennett into my life.  I stand in awe of the way that he orchestrates everything.  He puts people in exactly the right place at exactly the right time in order to accomplish what his people need.  How else could it be that Bennett's mother, a social worker, just happened to work with the social worker that we've known for so long on such an intimate level.  How else could it be that Bennett just happens to be going to Carle Clinic for his hearing needs and that he just happens to have the same speech pathologist as Moise had.  It's not happenstance.  It's GOD.  Bennet needs me and I need Bennett......... God knew it long before any of us did

Isaiah 25:1
O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,
 things planned long ago.


  1. Awesome. He is just gorgeous! I had a feeling he'd be super cute, and oh my.

    I could NOT be happier with the way things have worked out... and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. Healing, ministry, and so much more...

    I'm sure Laynee is so very proud of her mommy. She's bragging to the angels about how super great her mom is. She knows better than anyone that Bennett will be in the BEST care possible.

  2. Bennett is beautiful. God is good. His manner of quietly working things out is amazing. You are blessed to get Bennett, and Bennett is blessed to get you!!