CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Back to School

All 5 of my living children got up early this morning, ate breakfast and took a little extra care in getting ready.  There were photographs and much nervous anticipation.  At promtly 8 am, all of them were out the door. Jamee, Grant, Jade and Brock left at 7:30 in Jamee's little car, and Moise climbed up into a bright yellow bus at 8.  Today is the first day of a new school year. 

As I came back into the house after seeing Moise off, I was struck by the eariness of the silence in my home.  The only sound being the hum of the air conditioner and the parakeet who seems to protest the quietness.  I know that I experienced this same silence when the kids returned to school after the accident but I have no memory of that.  I assume that my mind and body were still in a state of shock, running on auto pilot, going through the motions that were required of me, yet not feeling, processing or retaining any of it.  I also assume, though I cannot really recall, that at that time there were many supporters surrounding me.

Today Laynee's abscence was deafening.  The memory of last year's first day of school, just weeks before we were asked to give Laynee back to Jesus, slammed into me like a violent physical assault.  She was radiant, she was beautiful, she was love, joy and hope combined in one stunning package.  She was also sad.  The image of her dismay that her beloved siblings were leaving her is stamped upon my brain.  In her disapproval she plopped down,  in perfect Down Syndrome style, all the while waving and saying "bye bye."  Jade's voice rang in my head saying "bye bye, Layne, love you, you're so pretty, 'kay."  I could see the kids pulling out of the garage wearing mixed expressions of humor and sadness as they observed her dramatic reaction to their leaving.  Above all, I recall  the quick and immediate return of hope filled happiness as we ran to the front door to wave from the window.  Her love spilled over as they passed by and with beaming smile she wrapped her arms around my neck saying "huuug." 

This morning the air was cool outside and we opened the windows.  The smell was that of "back to school" and something else.  The smell of fresh morning air, with the promise of warmer temperatures as the day goes on, combined with the smell of ripe seed corn drying in preparation for harvest will forever remind me of back to school.  This year and, I suspect, for many years to come, it also reminds me of the time of year when Laynee died

  I miss you Layne
  Love you
     You're so pretty, 'kay

My 3 girls on the first day school, last year.  Notice the
look on her face.  That's a little concern that maybe things
aren't quite right.  She had a funny feeling that everyone but
her was getting ready to go "bye bye"

First day of school 2010
Jamee---- a SENIOR


Brock......7th Grade

Moise..... 3rd Grade


  1. I still can't get used to how good lookin' that family of yours is. :o)

    There are alot of changes, reminders, and remembrances happening. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful bunch there to hold each other up as you walk through this together.

  2. I'm so sorry, Karol. She is so missed and so loved. Your children are beautiful. Hugs to you.

  3. I understand. Even the first day of school just isn't the same.