Does there come a point when I have said enough or maybe even too much about this journey that we are on? Is there a line across which the jumbled thoughts in my head and the deep feelings in my heart become too private or personal to share with others? Is this continual grieving more information than anyone really needs to know about?
I have come to understand that there is an ebb and flow quality to grief. It has been this way since the moment that we were thrust into this chapter of our life and I suspect that it will continue until the end. I feel as though I am stuck on a pendulum, swinging from one strong emotion to another, with precious little time in between. With each swing of the pendulum or each cycle through the stages of grief, the pain is driven deeper until it inhabits a part of myself that has never before been occupied. It is a place so deep within my heart and soul that, until now, I did not know such a place existed.
There is a time and a place for all things and with the passage of time, there are few times and even fewer places where grief is appropriate and accepted. As I become more fully aware of this, I have become expert at compartmentalizing those things which occupy my heart and mind. This compartmentalizing is necessary for the sake of carrying on. I know that I cannot stay stuck in grief forever, but all memories of her, whether happy memories of life or horrific memories of death, have varying degrees of sorrow attached to them. In order to function without the burdensome weight of sadness, I find myself making a conscious, deliberate choice to push her memory into the back of my mind. And then, when I find myself alone--in the quietness of the night, in the car, or in the shower--I am hit by an agonizing torrent of emotion, so strong that I seriously doubt my ability to persevere.
I have found comfort here as I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and sorrows. However, as the pain and sorrow become ever more deeply rooted within me, the pain has begun to feel intensely personal. My own grief has become too private to share publicly. I have expressed it in every way that I know how. I have made the decision to use this site only for sharing occassional pictures or special Laynee memories. I have chosen from this point forward, to share the grief, the pain, the sadness only with My God and the few close friends who have stood strong in this storm with me.
Thank you to all who have walked this journey with me. Many have read every post, shed tears, and whispered prayers. Thank you for the words of love and encouragement that you have shared. As I reflect upon the many blogs that I have written here, it is my prayer that you all will remember one very important thing.
GOD IS GOOD.............ALL THE TIME
I love you so much, Laynee Grace.