Tonight one of my friends on facebook posted this song by Sara Groves. It is a song that I am familiar with but this time, as I listened, it felt as though she had lifted the words straight from my own heart. For months I have struggled to find contentment and acceptance in the place where God has me for now. My soul seems to constantly be in search of something, though I don't know what, and I have grown incredibly weary of the hunt.
The truth is that I feel lost without Laynee. I am not sure if this sense of having been misplaced comes from not having Laynee here or if it is simply a symptom of grief. I suppose the two are ultimately the same, as I cannot experience one without the other. Everything that I do leaves me feeling incomplete and unfulfilled. I have recently attempted to take a few baby steps back out into the social realm but find that it leaves me with little more than feelings of apathy. I have made an effort to offer myself up to serve in various areas, hoping that this will spark something inside of me that resembles life. Yet, I walk away feeling empty. After the great challenges and even greater joys of being Laynee's mommy, every other job or task feels insignificant and menial. I have become a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
God seems so silent and so far away. Daily, hourly I find myself asking "Lord, where are you, what do you want from me?" I have been wandering in the wilderness: seeking and searching, wondering how I fit in a world without Laynee. I know that God has a plan for my life but I need him to speak up, I can't hear him.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.