Tonight one of my friends on facebook posted this song by Sara Groves. It is a song that I am familiar with but this time, as I listened, it felt as though she had lifted the words straight from my own heart. For months I have struggled to find contentment and acceptance in the place where God has me for now. My soul seems to constantly be in search of something, though I don't know what, and I have grown incredibly weary of the hunt.
The truth is that I feel lost without Laynee. I am not sure if this sense of having been misplaced comes from not having Laynee here or if it is simply a symptom of grief. I suppose the two are ultimately the same, as I cannot experience one without the other. Everything that I do leaves me feeling incomplete and unfulfilled. I have recently attempted to take a few baby steps back out into the social realm but find that it leaves me with little more than feelings of apathy. I have made an effort to offer myself up to serve in various areas, hoping that this will spark something inside of me that resembles life. Yet, I walk away feeling empty. After the great challenges and even greater joys of being Laynee's mommy, every other job or task feels insignificant and menial. I have become a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
God seems so silent and so far away. Daily, hourly I find myself asking "Lord, where are you, what do you want from me?" I have been wandering in the wilderness: seeking and searching, wondering how I fit in a world without Laynee. I know that God has a plan for my life but I need him to speak up, I can't hear him.
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Karol, forgive me if I'm being too bold. I think God has you where He needs you to be (for now). You may not realize it, but you've been a voice to they many that have suffered similar losses. You've put words to "paper" that some of us haven't experienced yet in the grief journey, or we just aren't ready to write it out there for the world to see. In your trial, you minister to others by being bold and honest about your journey. For that I am grateful. And in all of you, you still include the Lord and acknowledge he is good! :o) Bless your sould. I'm starting to "spiral downward" again in my grief. I've been on a spiritual sort of high, and haven't been so sad. Now I feel as if I'm taking two or three steps backward. This is the way I think it's supposed to be when you lose someone you love so much...especially a child. It's just a loss like no other, and there's a huge hole in your heart. I think in due time, the Lord will lead you to where you're supposed to be. Don't rush yourself. Your loss is a huge one, and being you were the one to find Laynee, I am certain it makes the healing that much harder. Again, don't rush yourself. Let Daddy hold you close and He shall speak to you when it's time to get back out there and be social and help others. I get it when you say stepping back into the social realm. I rather like being a loner while I grieve. Okay, I will quit writing this novel or ramblings! LOL
ReplyDeleteGoodnight. You are heavy on my heart.
Love,
Shannon
I am so sorry you are struggling. My heart aches that you haven't been able to find peace.
ReplyDeleteI know you are a woman of God, as am I and I have felt the peace of our Lord many times as I have been asked to overcome trials. I know he will give you that same peace.
I found this video and thought it may help, this knowledge gives me much peace. If you don't want to watch it, I understand, I won't be offended.
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index=5&locale=0&sourceId=a2ca115277f06210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD
I couldn't get it to embed the movie, so you'll have to copy and paste it into your browser.
I also found this link, it may help too: https://lds.org/plan/earth-life?lang=eng
If you have any questions, feel free to email me at blue.eyed.redhead99@gmail.com
I will pray for your soul to have peace this night! Much love!
How I wish I could offer something tangible, though I can't imagine what it would be. I will pray that God will offer you at least a whisper to remind you that he is still working all these things for the good of YOU who love Him.
ReplyDeleteI have to believe,that one day,you will be standing in the place or in the moment,where,His voice will echo and resound,loudly,within your heart.I have to keep hanging on tot hat for you.
ReplyDeleteWatching other mommies, and their have been too many over the last 2 years,yearning for their babies,aching for their bodies,makes me question so much of this world.My list for God seems to grow daily.
Tonight I send you love and prayers as continue to navigate this life without sweet Laynee.