Full Circle

 I think I am beginning to understand some things about the journey through grief and all of the emotions that are encountered along the way.  What I'm finding is that there is a cycle in this grief process, a definite coming and going of an myriad of emotions.  Like an ocean tide that never rests, sometimes the feelings move quietly in and out, while other times the waves come crashing with fierce, destructive force.   Though the strength and frequency is unpredictable, there is one thing that remains steadfast and sure.  Always, without fail, the tide recedes and we come full circle to a place where the waters of grief relent just a little.  I have lived and breathed this cycle in my own heart over and over again.  So also have I witnessed it in the lives of my husband and children as together, yet individually, we struggle to maintain footing on this ground of ever shifting sand.  I have also found that no matter how big the waves, nor how deep the water, there is no place so dark or treacherous that our Lord cannot go with us.    Joshua 1:5 ....as I was with Moses, so I will be with you:  never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

The emotions of grief have become very familiar.   One or all of them are present in our home and in the hearts of our family at all times.   Shock, disbelief and denial are evident as we all try to grasp the impossible  truth that death has visited our home and there is absolutley nothing that we can do about it.  There seems to be a cocoon around us that refuses to allow reality to penetrate.   Anger presents itself at the most inoppurtune times, often adding very interesting dynamics to an already hormone filled house of teenagers.    Sadness is characterized by quietness, far off distant gazes, and tear filled eyes.  And then there are times when the violent waves of desperation smash into us.  In those times, the aching, desperate need for our little girl threatens to swallow us.  We cycle through the feelings and emotions many times a day.    Our hearts run the whole gamut of emotion even within an hour or one conversation.  Always, the hand of our Lord, the hand more powerful even than the waves of grief, reaches out and carries us.  We are able to look back and know that, once again, He has brought us full circle.  There is a cycle, a pattern, a path that is becoming well worn.   By observing the signs along the path we gain the assurance that even when we think we cannot go on, our Lord will carry us through.   There is hope, even when all seems lost. 

At times my soul feels as though it will erupt with anger at the seeming injustice and unfairness.  The questions, which have no answers this side of heaven, roll over in my mind.   "Why?"  "Why, God, would you take her when we loved her so much?"  "Why are there children out there being abused but you took my child who was cherished and treasured?" "Why would you sustain her life through illness and and surgery, only to snatch her healty body and glorious smile from us?"  "Why are other people's lives going on as always, while ours has been turned upside down?"  But God, in His infinite power and understanding,  lovingly allows my rantings and railings and then ever so softly reminds me that it was He who gave Laynee to us in the first place.  Job 1:21 The Lord giveth and the Lord hath taken away;  blessed be the name of the Lord

 The waves of desperation are so forceful at times that I fear that I will not be able to get up.  They beat upon me with violent force.  Smashing me to the ground. blinding me to the good that surrounds me and snatching the glimmers of hope from my vision.   In these desperate moments, the pain of missing her spreads through my being like a vapor.  The viciousness of despair purges all coherent thought but one, the absolute certainty that I can't do this.  Those are the only words that my brain can piece together amidst the sea of despair.  I Can Not Do This.  But my Lord does not leave.  He is there to tell me "yes you can."  Sometimes He throws me a lifeline in the form of a trusted friend, a song, a card in the mail, a verse that speaks to my soul.  Always, he reaches out and plants my feet on firmer ground.  Once again, I know, that my Lord has brought me full circle, he has calmed the waters as he does every time the tide rises.  I admit that sometimes the waves are so deep, so thick, so dark that I lose sight of my Lord.  I cannot feel Him, I cannot see Him, I cannot hear Him.  Yet He is there.  Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. 

The third song on the playlist located at the bottom of the blog, is a new song by Kutless, entitled "What Faith Can Do."  I heard a few days ago for the first time and the words resonated within me.  As I live and observe the cycle of grief and watch as the circle is completed time and time again, I grow in trust and confidence in our Lord.  I become increasingly aware that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end.  Lamentations 3:22  It is only by faith in a God whose love knows no bounds that we can survive.  It is only because of a God who goes with us into the harshest waves that we can withstand the brutality and force of life's raging sea.  It is only because God is good.......all the time