Laynee is so heavy on my heart tonight. The waves of desperation that I spoke of in my earlier post are proving to be relentless today. One week from today, Saturday, January 30 is Jalayne's birthdate. I know how to throw a party. I can bake and decorate a birthday cake. I can light candles, string streamers, and blow up balloons. I can wrap presents and sing Happy Birthday. What I don't know, is how to recognize the birthday of a 3 year old little girl who went to heaven a few months ago. While we do not throw large, lavish parties for our children's birthdays, we always celebrate. There are gifts, special meals, cake and candles. The birthday kid always gets to choose where to have dinner out and on Saturday morning, that child and I go out for breakfast, just the two of us. I'm supposed to be going out to select a birthday gift for my sweet Laynee. I find myself wondering what would be her latest interest now. Would she still be carrying around her beloved heehee's and moos? Would she need new books because her's are worn from so much use? Would she be ready for new dvd's that she could sing along with?
How do we celebrate her birthday when our hearts are filled with heavy sadness? I do not see how we can let the day pass without remembering it in some special way. January 30, 2007 marks the beginning of an entire chapter in the book of our life. It is a chapter that began with apprehension and uncertainty as we considered the monumental decision of another special needs adoption. It is a log of the journey through illness and surgery and miracles performed before our eyes. Laynee's chapter tells of joy and happiness and laughter brought to us via one small child. In one tragic, heartwrenching moment Laynee's chapter ended with the words "time of death." The end of Laynee's chapter in our lives has given way to a new chapter, the one that we live out at this moment, the chapter of grief and sorrow. Is it possible to mourn and celebrate all at the same time?
On the birthdates of Moise and Jalayne, our two adopted children, my heart is always with the women who gave birth to them. I wonder if they remember that this is the day that they brought forth new life. Do they picture, in their mind's eye, the child that they never really had oppurtunity to know? This birthday of Jalayne's is no different. My heart wonders and aches for another mother. My prayers lift her up. Does she miss Laynee too?
Last week I went into a store, a completely girly store filled with ribbons and bows and jewels. There I found something that I knew would be just perfect for Laynee's birthday. In place of a pointed party hat she should wear a beautiful tiara with gawdy pink jewels. What could be more perfect for a little tomboy princess. I bought the tiara, I needed to buy something for her. I know that it will never grace her beautiful head but we can put it there upon her grave for anyone who goes there to remember that she was our princess. Most likely I will order a cake for Laynee too, a pink one maybe, something for us to remember her sweetness. I want to remember her with love and laughter. I know that there will be tears. Tears are the voice of the soul and our souls long to have her here to blow out her candles. Yet we will remember, we will celebrate her life, the time that we had with her, the joy that she brought to us.
3 yrs...I remember your phone call. She has been such a special little girl! As it says in the Bible "with God all things are possible", He is the only way you can go on with your heavy grief; I do not know how one gets through it without Him. You and your family are always in my prayers. Love,
ReplyDeleteMindy