Too much love?

I have, for quite some time, been in the habit of journaling my prayers.  I have found that if I write (actually I type them on the computer) out my prayers I am much better able to focus and keep my mind from being distracted as I pray.  I enjoy going back and reading old prayer journals as it is proof of where I have been, how I have grown and how God has prepared my heart.  

I've gone back and read the journal entries from the days before the accident.  There is one thing that stands out in nearly all of the entries,  my love for Laynee Grace.  There are clearly praises for all of my children, I thank God for every one of them and for their individuality.  In the days and weeks leading up to the accident I praised God for Laynee in nearly every prayer.  I praised Him for the way that He orchestrated events to bring her to Peoria, Illinois and into our home.  I praised Him for her simplisity, for her joy and happiness, for the hope that seemed to ooze from her.  I can't help asking myself, did I love this child too much?

In the years that we had Jalayne, we encountered some very rough times where Moise was concerned.  Soon after Laynee's arrival, Moise began having seizures.  We went through different cocktails of medications, trying to find the right doses and combinations that would control the seizures while allowing him to be functional as well.   The medications produced a great deal of negative behaviour, making life with him very challenging.  More times than I can count, I found myself at the end of my rope.  I often despaired, wondering if I could take much more of the awful and aggressive behavior.  I told many people in those days that Laynee helped to offset the challenges we faced with Moise.  Her bright happy face was always their to bring joy to my days.  I couldn't wait to get her out of bed in the mornings.  When I snuggled her little body close to me, it was like receiving a hug from God himself.  You couldn't be sad when Laynee was around.  Her smile was so very contagious, you simply could not stay sad for long.  After particularly trying "Moise days," Jalayne was always there with her sweetness to "make it all better."  I believed that God new that we would need Laynee to help offset the constant battles we faced.  For this I praised my God over and over again.

The realization of how often I gave thanks for her, creates a mix of emotions.  On one hand I'm so thankful for the fact that I never took her or her presence in our life for granted.   I felt honored to have been chosen to be her mother, even though she was not formed in my womb.  I knew that God had a special purpose for her with us and I praised him for it.  Jim adored her.  Our children melted over her.    I'm grateful that we have not one single regret.  We loved her so much, there was no room for anger or harsh words, only a great deal of love. 

On the other hand, this proof of my appreciation for her brings the question WHY? to the forefront.  Why, when I loved her so much , would she be taken from me?  Why would she die when I need her so much?  Why? Why? Why?  Again I ask, is it possible that I loved her too much.  Can it be that perhaps I depended too much on the joy that she brought to us?  I've had a number of people over the years who have come to me with questions regarding adoption and foster care.  There is one piece of advice that I give to all......don't hold back love, whatever you do, don't try to protect youself by holding back some or all of your love from a child placed in your care.  We fell head over heels in love the minute we laid eyes on Laynee.  We poured all the love we could into her.  Was it too much?  Did I love my baby too much?  Is that why it's so hard to give her back?