Confessions

Tonight as the memories and waves of desperation wash over me I find myself reflecting on the last year.  Much of it has been purged from my memory and what I do remember is a hazy blur.  It seems to me that nothing of real significance has taken place.  Moise has had an uneventful year in the area of health, for which I am so grateful.  Our focus has been on our children and helping them through the trauma and grief that they have experienced.  I suppose that like Noah's flood, grief and sorrow have washed eveything else away. 

As I was lying in bed tonight, exhausted but sleepless, my heart longed for a reprieve from all of this pain.  It seems that in my desperation I have tried just about everything to find relief.  I have searched hopelessly for something, anything that might help me to feel closer to Laynee. I confess that I have done some pretty bizarre things in the name of seeking comfort.

I have decided that this will be an ongoing post.  As I continue on this journey, I am quite certain that my days of desperation are not over.  My creative mind will undoubtedly dream up many other ways to find comfort.  Then, when I feel ready to share my moments of weakness, I will add the crazy  things that I do to this list.  Someday, a long time fom now, I will look back and who knows, maybe these things will even bring a smile.  My first confession is this ....... "I hope that the "a long time from now" in the sentence above never comes.  I hope that we get to see Laynee in heaven sooner, not later.  I don't want to be here a long time without her.  It's already been too long.

I confess that............

* I often go into her room at night to get her bear and blanky so that I can hold it close as I sleep.  I love the smell of bear's nose from the many nights of being sucked on by Laynee.  Some may call this disgusting, I call it as close to heaven as I can get and still be here.  Sometimes I get frustrated because the stuffy nose from endless tears prohibits me from smelling her scent. 

*I have crawled into her crib, wanting to feel her close and entertaining the thought that the sheets, still rumpled from her little body, would bring comfort.

*I often bury my nose in her shoes, so desperate am I to smell her. 

*Sometimes I say her name out loud just so I can hear it on my lips. 

*Sometimes I stand at my window that looks out to my sister's home and picture Laynee running across the pasture to see her hee hees.

*When on the golf cart, I stop when I go past the cows because it's what we always had to do and  I can see her face saying "mmmmmm" to them. 

*I once attempted to return a huge bag full of clothes that I had bought for her next season.  I thought that because she never wore them I might be able to return.  I walked back out with the bag of clothes.  As I stood in line I imagined the clerk asking "why are you returning these."  I panicked at the thought of this question and left, bag in hand.  Those clothes are still in the bag, on the floor of her closet.

*Sometimes I put in her sing along videos and imagine her standing on the couch in rapt attention.

*I have pulled down the box of her favorite books and sat with my feet out in front of me on the floor, reading  them, complete with animated sounds, just like I would to her. 

*Sometimes I sit in the center of my sofa, just staring at nothing, for long periods of time. 

* When home alone, I sing her songs loudly.  "Laynee Bug, Laynee Bug HEY Laynee Laynee Bug." and "Laynee, Laynee give me your answer do.  I'm half crazy all for the love of you........"

*Sometimes I wander into the little girls department of stores, dreaming of what I would be buying her.

*I still have a stack of her diapers and sometimes I get one out to remind me of that cute little rear end.  I usually have to smell it too.

*I have taken her diaper bag and put it on my shoulder, wanting to feel it's weight.

*I have smothered myself in her lotion many times before going to bed. 

*Once, Jamee and I took a box of glass items and threw them in an effort to vent.  It was quite enjoyable. 

*I have wondered on more than one occassion if this is what it feels like to go crazy.  I've even hoped for insanity because that seems like it would hurt less.

*I have hidden in my bedroom, not wanting to talk to whoever it was that came to my door. 

*There have been a few times when I have gone back to bed after the kids left, simply because I couldn't face the day.

*I have childishly stuck my tongue out at a person or two for the ridiculous remarks they have made about Laynee's death.

*I have sat on my toilet and held her hooded bath towel close to me. 

*I have wished many times that I like the taste of alcohol, thinking now might be a good time to become a drunk.

* I have beat my fists upon the floor of her room

*I search hard to find any other way to say that she is gone, rather than to say we "LOST" her.  I kow where she is, therefore she is not lost.

*I obsess over something happening and all of her pictures being gone.  I have prints, files in the computer, discs and flash drives in a fireproof  safe.

*Some of her pictures have smudges all over from the many kisses I've placed on them.

* There are still a pair of shoes and a beat up monkey that Garrett gave her shortly before she died sitting on my window sill in the laundry room.  I know I should move them but.......maybe next week.

* I have determined that the best place for crying is in the shower or bathtub with the water running.

* I don't want her to be "perfect" in heaven, I want her exactly like she was when I see her again.

I confess that all of these bring some slight measure of comfort, if only for a moment.