As I was lying in bed tonight, exhausted but sleepless, my heart longed for a reprieve from all of this pain. It seems that in my desperation I have tried just about everything to find relief. I have searched hopelessly for something, anything that might help me to feel closer to Laynee. I confess that I have done some pretty bizarre things in the name of seeking comfort.
I have decided that this will be an ongoing post. As I continue on this journey, I am quite certain that my days of desperation are not over. My creative mind will undoubtedly dream up many other ways to find comfort. Then, when I feel ready to share my moments of weakness, I will add the crazy things that I do to this list. Someday, a long time fom now, I will look back and who knows, maybe these things will even bring a smile. My first confession is this ....... "I hope that the "a long time from now" in the sentence above never comes. I hope that we get to see Laynee in heaven sooner, not later. I don't want to be here a long time without her. It's already been too long.
I confess that............
* I often go into her room at night to get her bear and blanky so that I can hold it close as I sleep. I love the smell of bear's nose from the many nights of being sucked on by Laynee. Some may call this disgusting, I call it as close to heaven as I can get and still be here. Sometimes I get frustrated because the stuffy nose from endless tears prohibits me from smelling her scent.
*I have crawled into her crib, wanting to feel her close and entertaining the thought that the sheets, still rumpled from her little body, would bring comfort.
*I often bury my nose in her shoes, so desperate am I to smell her.
*Sometimes I say her name out loud just so I can hear it on my lips.
*Sometimes I stand at my window that looks out to my sister's home and picture Laynee running across the pasture to see her hee hees.
*When on the golf cart, I stop when I go past the cows because it's what we always had to do and I can see her face saying "mmmmmm" to them.
*I once attempted to return a huge bag full of clothes that I had bought for her next season. I thought that because she never wore them I might be able to return. I walked back out with the bag of clothes. As I stood in line I imagined the clerk asking "why are you returning these." I panicked at the thought of this question and left, bag in hand. Those clothes are still in the bag, on the floor of her closet.
*Sometimes I put in her sing along videos and imagine her standing on the couch in rapt attention.
*I have pulled down the box of her favorite books and sat with my feet out in front of me on the floor, reading them, complete with animated sounds, just like I would to her.
*Sometimes I sit in the center of my sofa, just staring at nothing, for long periods of time.
* When home alone, I sing her songs loudly. "Laynee Bug, Laynee Bug HEY Laynee Laynee Bug." and "Laynee, Laynee give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you........"
*Sometimes I wander into the little girls department of stores, dreaming of what I would be buying her.
*I still have a stack of her diapers and sometimes I get one out to remind me of that cute little rear end. I usually have to smell it too.
*I have taken her diaper bag and put it on my shoulder, wanting to feel it's weight.
*I have smothered myself in her lotion many times before going to bed.
*Once, Jamee and I took a box of glass items and threw them in an effort to vent. It was quite enjoyable.
*I have wondered on more than one occassion if this is what it feels like to go crazy. I've even hoped for insanity because that seems like it would hurt less.
*I have hidden in my bedroom, not wanting to talk to whoever it was that came to my door.
*There have been a few times when I have gone back to bed after the kids left, simply because I couldn't face the day.
*I have childishly stuck my tongue out at a person or two for the ridiculous remarks they have made about Laynee's death.
*I have sat on my toilet and held her hooded bath towel close to me.
*I have wished many times that I like the taste of alcohol, thinking now might be a good time to become a drunk.
* I have beat my fists upon the floor of her room
*I search hard to find any other way to say that she is gone, rather than to say we "LOST" her. I kow where she is, therefore she is not lost.
*I obsess over something happening and all of her pictures being gone. I have prints, files in the computer, discs and flash drives in a fireproof safe.
*Some of her pictures have smudges all over from the many kisses I've placed on them.
* There are still a pair of shoes and a beat up monkey that Garrett gave her shortly before she died sitting on my window sill in the laundry room. I know I should move them but.......maybe next week.
* I have determined that the best place for crying is in the shower or bathtub with the water running.
I confess that all of these bring some slight measure of comfort, if only for a moment.