It seems my life is filled with wishing these days. Wishing is good but not when the wishes we wish are impossible. I wish that things were different, that I could change the way things are. I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and do Labor Day 2009 all over again.
Where Laynee is concerned, there is no end to the things that I wish for but lately it seems that one of the things I wish for most is that I could lay beside her in what would be a big girl bed by now and tell her stories. I can only imagine how nice it would feel to have her tucked into the crook of my arm as I tell her stories. She would smell like lotion and powder from her bath. The sound of my voice and my continuous stroking over her hair would lull her into a deep slumber. I would not take for granted,the steady rise and fall of her chest as she breathes deep.
Tonight as I was walking with Moise it occurred to me that if I could tell her a story tonight it would go something like this:
Once upon a time there was a mommy. When this mommy was younger, she always wanted to have 6 children but she only had 4. Then a little boy came and she became his mommy. This little boy caused a lot of work for the mommy and she didn't think too much about having 6 children anymore. Even though she didn't think about having more children, she always felt like something was missing or incomplete. This mommy didn't know it, but she needed another little girl, a very special little girl. Then one day, when it was very cold outside, a little girl was born and this mommy, who needed another little girl, became her mommy. The little girl was happy and so beautiful. In fact, she was the prettiest little girl in the whole wide world. The little girl made the mommy and the daddy and the brothers and sisters very happy. She was funny and made her family laugh all the time. The mommy thought her family was complete with all of the 6 children. But one day, angels came and took the beautiful little girl to heaven. Just like that the little girl went away from the mommy. Just like that, the family was incomplete once again. The mommy was so very sad, she missed the little girl so much. She knew where the little girl was, but she couldn't see her or hear her. She ws sad because there is something missing again. The mommy knows that now it will be imcomplete for a very long time. No matter what, if her children get married, even if she becomes a grandma, there will always be something missing without the prettiest little girl. But someday, when the mommy gets to heaven, it will all be complete again. Someday the mommy and the pretty little girl, and the daddy and brothers and sisters are going to live happily ever after. This story is a special story because it does not say "The End" It does not end until the mommy gets to see the little girl in heaven and then.........it will be the beginning.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.