CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Everywhere and Nowhere

Laynee is everywhere and yet she's nowhere.  It seems that memories of her have taken up residence in every nook and cranny of our home. The memories are beautiful and painful at the same time. I have a shelf in a cupboard in the laundry room where I keep socks that have lost their mate.  The mate often shows up in the next load of laundry but the kids tend to just throw the socks in the cupboard rather then search for pairs.  Tonight I was matching up socks and there in the pile was one of Laynee's tiny pink socks.  The other day I went to get Jamee a pair of gloves from summer storage and found all of Laynee's winter hats.   I find her pretzel sticks under the sofa cushions, lost earrings, socks that she was always hiding because she hated them.  Ponytail holders with strands of hair still in them still turn up here and there.  I open cupboard and closet doors to find toys that she put there for whatever reason. When cleaning leaves out of the landcaping I found outside toys stuck in some bushes. Under the seat of the car was her little black purse with an old credit card and toy keys that she loved to carry around.   The cupboards contain foods that only she ate, her cups, her spoons, her medicines, her lotion,  shampoo, her hooded towel.  The linen closet holds her blankets and sheets.  Her singalong videos are there by the tv.  Her coats and jackets hang ready to be worn as it turns colder but she's not here to wear them.  Some of my windows are badly in need of washing but her fingerprints are there and I can't bear the thought of wiping them away.  I put my nose to everything that belonged to her, hoping to find a lingering little girl scent.  Her bedroom is filled with the essence of Laynee. I smell her there.   It is almost as if Ican feel her in that room.  I long to crawl into her crib just to be a little closer to her.  Her black and white panda bear has a yellowed nose from being sucked on every night as she went to sleep.  The bear smells so much like her, I can't get enough of it.  At night before I go to bed.  I go into her room, my arms throb with longing to hold her, my lips ache with the need to kiss her soft cheeks.  I kiss the large picture of her but it is just not enough.  It will never, ever be enough.  I NEED my Laynee.   


  1. I'm so thankful you are doing this blog. It is good for me and it will be so-o healing for you. Talking and sharing is so healing. I wish I would have done something like this. It would have helped me. Thanks for sharing your precious little girl and your memories with us. Love you lots!

  2. Karol...Not a day goes by that I don't think about Laynee and you and your family. I am filled with grief and joy at the same time for getting to be a part of her life. I wish I could have been at home more to see her the during the summer, instead of being too darn busy with work and life. Thank you for sharing about Laynee on here, it is wonderful to read and is therapeutic. The memories I have of her I will always cherish, and know that she'll be throwing flowers down from heaven on my wedding day.
    Love, Jenna.

  3. We love you all so much. Looking at the pictures of your sweet Laynee makes us cry and smile at the same time. Thanks for sharing with us.


  4. Thinking of you and your family, wishing you more smiles and less tears. What beautiful and special pictures you have of Laynee. You all seem to be doing a great job keeping her memory alive. There was and is an angel around you. Thanks for sharing the many ways you see, smell and feel her. What a blessing.

  5. I'm missing Laynee so much today. It is dreary and rainy outside. It helps to read this blog. Yes, her hugs were wonderful. I always called them marshmallow hugs, because she was as soft as a marshmallow. I read the part about Laynee hiding her glasses in the back of the washing machine aloud to Jerry and we both laughed with tears in our eyes and said "yes, that is Laynee."
    Love, Kathy