Everywhere and Nowhere

Laynee is everywhere and yet she's nowhere.  It seems that memories of her have taken up residence in every nook and cranny of our home. The memories are beautiful and painful at the same time. I have a shelf in a cupboard in the laundry room where I keep socks that have lost their mate.  The mate often shows up in the next load of laundry but the kids tend to just throw the socks in the cupboard rather then search for pairs.  Tonight I was matching up socks and there in the pile was one of Laynee's tiny pink socks.  The other day I went to get Jamee a pair of gloves from summer storage and found all of Laynee's winter hats.   I find her pretzel sticks under the sofa cushions, lost earrings, socks that she was always hiding because she hated them.  Ponytail holders with strands of hair still in them still turn up here and there.  I open cupboard and closet doors to find toys that she put there for whatever reason. When cleaning leaves out of the landcaping I found outside toys stuck in some bushes. Under the seat of the car was her little black purse with an old credit card and toy keys that she loved to carry around.   The cupboards contain foods that only she ate, her cups, her spoons, her medicines, her lotion,  shampoo, her hooded towel.  The linen closet holds her blankets and sheets.  Her singalong videos are there by the tv.  Her coats and jackets hang ready to be worn as it turns colder but she's not here to wear them.  Some of my windows are badly in need of washing but her fingerprints are there and I can't bear the thought of wiping them away.  I put my nose to everything that belonged to her, hoping to find a lingering little girl scent.  Her bedroom is filled with the essence of Laynee. I smell her there.   It is almost as if Ican feel her in that room.  I long to crawl into her crib just to be a little closer to her.  Her black and white panda bear has a yellowed nose from being sucked on every night as she went to sleep.  The bear smells so much like her, I can't get enough of it.  At night before I go to bed.  I go into her room, my arms throb with longing to hold her, my lips ache with the need to kiss her soft cheeks.  I kiss the large picture of her but it is just not enough.  It will never, ever be enough.  I NEED my Laynee.