Shattered Dreams

Before this awful experience of losing Laynee it had never occurred to me that in the loss of a child, you not only lose the child, you lose every dream you had for her.  We had dreams for Laynee, not big dreams, but dreams nevertheless.   She was going to take dance lessons soon.  Oh how she would have loved to go to a place just to dance.  In  February she was going to begin school in the early childhood classroom here at Tremont.  Her teacher, Miss Ennis, was excited to have her there as was Mr. Dill, her principal.  I dreamed of Laynee having her little friends over to play.  I know that twins, Jamie and Jaycee, would be in her classroom, maybe they would be her friends, or Karis or Lily at church, or cousins, Sienna, Paris and ShaneyB. Probably the very next Sunday after she died we would have taken her to Sunday School for the first time.  She would get to go up and sing on the risers at the Christmas Program.  I couldn't wait to buy her a beautiful red dress to wear, and maybe, just maybe, the bow I would put in her hair would actually stay in long enough for everyone to see it.   She would sing loud and beautiful, with no inhibitions.  My other daughters are drawn towards sports and athletics, but I imagine that Laynee would be the family cheerleader.  I'm certain that no one would have more school spirit (for both teams) than Laynee Grace.  I couldn't wait for the day that she helped me in my coffee shop.  She would be the best table wiper and condiment filler ever and probably chatter to all my customers.  I suppose my business would be booming because everyone would come just to see her smile or feel one of her hugs. My heart aches so desperately to hear her footsteps on that hardwood just one more time.  I dreamed of Laynee staying with Jim and I forever, keeping us company and just loving us.  She wouldn't go off to Univerity or big jobs, she'd stay with us.  She would go to the local college and probably find a job but stay with her mama and daddy.  She loved to help with Moise, she was going to be there forever, helping with Moise.  I know that she would be able to talk to Mo in a way that know one else can do, I just know it  I dreamed of the first time she would read a book to me, how she adored her books. I want to see her march onto the school bus like a little lady, to watch her wave "byebye" from the window until she can't  see me anymore.  Jamee and Jade dreamed of "coming home" to her.  They thought it would be so fun to call her up, after they moved out of the house, and say "Laynee, get your shoes on, I'll take you bye bye."  She'd get to stay overnight at their houses when daddy and mama went away.  Jade was going to take her shopping to make sure she had up to date clothes.  In July she was going to be Jenna's flower girl.  The picture's here are of her and Jenna and Corey, the groom.  Her Aunt Karen and I think she would probably steal the show from Jenna, but Jenna said "that's okay because it's Laynee."  I will not get to see her march up on the stage to receive her diploma when they announced her name "Jalayne Grace Holmes."  Daddy didn't get to do the 5th grade pumpkin carving with her.  She didn't get to dress up for "biography day."  I never got to teach her how to tie her shoes, write her name, ride her bike, or sit tall on her hee hee's.  I wanted her to bake cookies and plant seeds in the garden with me and help me water flowers. 

There are so many things that we never had an oppurtunity to teach her.  Our dreams, simple as they may be, were crushed in one moment of time, in one final breath.  I know in my heart and soul that Laynee is not missing out on anything.  She's doing things far greater than we could ever dream.  It's hard to imagine that she's not missing us as we miss her.  Some day she's going to greet us in heaven and say "that was quick, let me show you around."  The Big Dream, the ultimate dream, is to have all of our children in heaven.  Laynee simply skipped over all the rest. She's living the big dream.  For those of us here, we hurt, we ache, we miss her and all the dreams, but for her........it's HEAVEN!!!!