CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

You might want to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before playing this video.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Forever Changed

Though I can't say exactly why it is, going to church is extremely difficult for me since Laynee died.  Perhaps the difficulty comes from the many memories of her at church, knowing that her feet barely touched the ground with the many people needing their "Laynee fix" for the week.  It may simply be from being with so many people in one place at one time, and the awareness that life remains normal for most of them, while ours has been turned upside down. From many, I sense an awkwardness upon meeting; an obvious loss of what to say and how to act.   My heart, mind and soul seem to run the whole gamut of emotion during any given worship service.  The Sunday morning song service seems to produce buckets of tears and honestly, I'm tired of crying so much.  Every ounce of my energy is required to keep my thoughts focused on the words being spoken.  Maybe it's one, or some, or all of these things but whatever it is, I come home from church with a pounding headache and feeling emotionally spent. 

While music and lyrics are and always have been a great ministry to me, here is a glimpse of the direction my thoughts often take during a song service in recent weeks.  Today we sang "Awesome God" a truly beautiful song of praise.  My mind added words to the lyrics that went something like this.  "Our God is an awsome God, he reigns from heaven above".........he could have saved Jalayne.  "With wisdom, power and love, our God is an awesome God".........but he still let my baby die.  Back and forth, like a mighty pendulum, my thoughts go.  I praise Him....I don't understand.   I praise Him...... I feel angry.  I praise Him....... I don't know if I can do this.  'Round and around I go and I want to yell at someone to stop the ride, I want off!!!!

Today as I struggled to keep my mind on the Word that was being preached  (sorry Pastor Doug) I was suddenly struck by the knowledge and certainty that I have been forever changed.  The person that I was the morning of September 7, 2009 will never be again.  One cannot experience this level of grief and sorrow and still remain the same.   I do believe that a degree of healing will take place though I do not for one moment believe in the cliche "time heals all wounds."  It is not time that heals, but the love, mercy and grace of our Lord and Saviour.  We are healed, not by time, but by His spirit.  While I trust that little by little we will experience a lessening of this all consuming pain, I sense that an ache will always remain.  The journey through grief is forever. 

As an amputee heals, yet remains forever changed, so am I in the loss of this precious part of me.  I will always be my mother's daughter, my brother's sister, my husband's wife, and my children's mother but I do not think or feel the same.   My little girl, through her life, but especially through her death, has changed who and what I am.  She has changed  the way that I view life, what is important to me, my hopes, my goals, my expectations. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his plan.  This is one of the very first verses that I recall committing to memory as a new christian.  I believe that the Lord, in everything that He brings or allows to come into our lives, is constantly molding and shaping us into exactly who he created us to be.  Yet as I struggle through these dark, murky waters of pain and loss I find myself questioning,  "How Lord?"  "How are you going to work good from this?"  "How is this good for me?"  "I'm struggling! I'm sinking!  How is this good?" Even as I type these questions I see Laynee Grace in my mind's eye.  I imagine that she knows exactly what His plan is for me.  The picture that I've added is of her showing me "who's the prettiest girl in the world."  I suspect she might look just like this as she says "Don't worry momma, God is SO BIG and he is taking care of everything.


  1. I can't imagine what you are going through. My aunt was over for my son's birthday yesterday. She lost her daughter when her daughter had OHS at the age of 4. This happened about 34 years ago. She was talking about her last night and how she learned and what she was like. She also told the story of what her daughter was like around the time of surgey and of how she thought her daughter new that she was going to die. Anyways I guess I am telling you this because the memories of her daughter and her life are still so vivid and so much a part of her. She carries her with her and continues to share her life. Her joys, her personality and her spirit with her. Sending you hugs and strength.

  2. Karol-
    Thank you for pouring out your heart and sharing about Laynee. I really did not have alot of contact with her, but knowing your other children - and seeing her from time to time - and most of all, these precious pictures you have on this blog - tells so much of the love she shared, and still shares from heaven, with your family. Although I never saw her do it, I heard several times of how cute she was when she proclaimed she was the prettiest girl in the world - I love this picture of her showing you that:) Since Laynee has been gone, I have thought about the phrase "time heals all wounds", and I too thought that is just not true. I wish there were quick answers, and wish that you did have a wound, that could be perfectly healed with a surgery, or a medicine. Continue to hold on tight when there seems nothing to grasp on to, and be still when you need to - He WILL direct your path.........day by day.

  3. Karol~So sorry that you and your family have to feel so much grief and sorrow. Keep pouring out your innermost feelings and thoughts...He is listening. Praying for all of you! Mindy

  4. karol and family,
    We just returned home from Florida and when we were there I had to think of when you guys showed up at our condo last year for Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't wait to see Laynee, not that seeing you guys wasn't as important but I needed my Laynee fix. I have pictures of Laynee with Heidi so you could get something to eat. It makes me so sad. I don't understand why these things have to happen and I do question why at times. Some day all our questions will be answered and we will understand why we had to go through these experiences. We all have experiences in our lives whether it be loss, hurt, tragedy, or illness. I think these things happen for the Lord to mold us to become more like Him. He doesn't want us to lean on our own understanding but to lean on Him and to bring Him glory through it all. The testimony your family is giving over this is sure to bring Him glory. We Are all changed over experiences in our lives but I believe this is part of the Lords plan and His ways are good even though we are at loss by them. You may have changed but you are still the same to me and I love you just the same.

  5. I'm sorry, Karol for being one of the awkward ones. If it helps I am awkward around most people most of the time :). You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers multiple times a day. I read these verses and thought of you. "You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth and called from it's remotest parts, and said you are my servant. I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not be afraid. I am with you. Do not look anxiously about you for I am your God. I will help you. Surely I will strengthen you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" I am touched by your surrender to God in your grief. love Chris