Tonight the pain of missing Laynee is nearly palpable. Every aspect of me hurts. My hands ache with longing to touch her. My head spins in turmoil: the beautiful memories of her life conflict with the horrific memories of her death. My heart aches from the knowledge that she left a wide gaping hole in the hearts of so many. My eyes are sore from the strain of trying to see her smiling face within my mind's chaos of the awful memories of Sept. 7th. My chest fights to find air to breathe just one breath that doesn't hurt. The pain seems to come from the very depths of my soul. The weariness that comes from the intense level of emotions feels like it has settled around me like a cloak. Sometimes my throat constricts with a nearly uncontrollable urge to scream. At times, when I'm alone I speak her name out loud because there's an unspeakable need to hear and feel her name on my lips. Each night when I go to bed I struggle to overcome the fierce need to go check on her, make sure she's comfortable, that she's covered, and in Laynee's case, that she's still wearing her PJ's. The evening feels incomplete without doing this. In the scripture we read of people who, in times of great grief and despair, would "rent" their clothing. I find myself having a very clear understanding of such a dramatic expression of emotion. Sometimes I wonder how I am ever going to make it through this journey of sadness, mourning and grief. Yet I am keenly aware that there are no options. We go on, somehow, someway, we go on. In these moments, when the searing pain is incomprehensible and threatens to suck the life out of me, my only help comes from The Lord, His Spirit, and His Word. II Chorinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness"
Psalms 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Therein lies the answer to "how am I ever going to make it through this journey"
Karol,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and for being real. Your realness really helps me wrestle with Laynee's death! It is really difficult for me to see you in this hurting stage. I think it will always hurt, but I know that God will carry you through. He has promised you that he would never leave you. When the grief is unbearable, try and focus on the reality that God gave you such a gift, and that gift was being Laynee's mommy! There is a real reason why he chose you. He knows exactly what he is doing. Let's trust him, even when it hurts so bad. Karol, in her short 2 years, she brought you such joy and happiness. I know that Laynee would want that joy and happiness to still carry on in your life. God uses everything for his glory. He will turn this for good. Keep trusting in him, for he is mighty, and he will give you peace through all this. I am so proud of you for staying close to him, and for seeking him. I wish that I could take away your pain. Know that I love you and that God does too! I hope that you can get some much needed rest tonight.
I love the pics. and I could seriously sit at my computer all day and look at them over and over. I long to hold her again too! I miss her squishy, little body! I want to just kiss those luscious lips in some of those pictures. Of course, once again, I could just eat her up tonight thinking about that precious Laynee! I stand in awe of our God that he was so good to give her to all of us. I just hope that we all take from her what God so much wanted us to know and learn.
Love you,
Jody
I am so sorry for your loss. I can not say that I know what you are going through-because I don't. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of your family at this time and praying for strength for you. Laynee is beautiful and thanks for sharing her life and stories through this blog and the joy and happiness that she brought to you. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteHolmes',
ReplyDeleteHow our hearts break for all of you - I wish
there was some way for us to take your pain
away, but only God in his awesome wonder is
able. "You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest regions, and said to you. "You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you: be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:9-10
There is no doubt that our Laynee girl is getting a real close look at her family from
heaven. She has front row seats and her glasses are making everything so clear. Hopefully...one of the angels helped her put them on just right so that they don't make her ears flop, but that also gave a very SPECIAL
look. We lift you up to our loving Jesus
everyday so that all of you may be closer to your precious Laynee Girl.
We Love You,
Fern
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Laynee...my prayers are with your family.
ReplyDelete