Tonight I admit to feeling a bit angry. I cannot even begin to understand why our sweet Laynee was taken from us. Nothing about it makes any sense at all to me. I know that she is heaven, but I don't want her to be there, I want her here with us. I know that heaven and all of it's glory is beyond human comprehension, but she had a really good life here with us. She had so many people loving her. Her brothers and sisters adored her, doted on her. Jim and I often laugh about how all of the 20 acres that make up the property that we and Karla and Marty live on belonged to Laynee. It was all hers. Her house, her swingset, her chickens, her golf cart, her heehee's, her Uncle Marty, her goat, her Garrett, her Brock, her Moise, in her mind it all belonged to her. She was thriving and blossoming. We needed her to touch our lives, our hearts our souls. We were not ready to let her go. We want her back!!!! I feel frustrated with my own inability to convey how desperately I want/need her back.
Jim reminds me over and over, and in my head I know, that God has our lives planned out before we are formed in the womb. He knows the number of hairs on our head and the number of days in our life. He knew when He placed Jalayne Grace in my arms on February 2, 2007 that He would take her from me on September 7, 2009. I know all of this and on good days I find peace in knowing this and accepting it. But why is it that my children and nephew, Garrett, had to experience the horror that they did the night of Sept. 7th? Why did Grant have to return from hunting in time to see his baby sister surrounded by paramedics deperately trying to save her life? Why did my 11 year old son, Brock, have to watch as his Uncle Marty and I tried to breathe life into her tiny body? Why does my 13 year old daughter have to wonder if her sister would still be alive if she had stayed out to play just a little longer? Will the ear splitting scream that penetrated the air when Laynee was found reverberate in these children's mind's forever? And why, oh why did my 16 year old daughter have to be right there to see that precious little body in the water? Why did she have to be the one to dial 911? Why do they all have to have the image of death, the ashen lifelessness, branded in their minds? I can't help wondering if some of them will ever be able to close their and rest without the awful memories coming to squeeze the air from their chests.
I can rest in the assurance that Laynee's work on earth was done, even if I think she still had much she could have done here, but I simply cannot comprehend why these children must suffer such memories. I want so desperately to help all of my children through this journey of grief, yet I know that I can never take the memories from them.
CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.