Tonight I admit to feeling a bit angry. I cannot even begin to understand why our sweet Laynee was taken from us. Nothing about it makes any sense at all to me. I know that she is heaven, but I don't want her to be there, I want her here with us. I know that heaven and all of it's glory is beyond human comprehension, but she had a really good life here with us. She had so many people loving her. Her brothers and sisters adored her, doted on her. Jim and I often laugh about how all of the 20 acres that make up the property that we and Karla and Marty live on belonged to Laynee. It was all hers. Her house, her swingset, her chickens, her golf cart, her heehee's, her Uncle Marty, her goat, her Garrett, her Brock, her Moise, in her mind it all belonged to her. She was thriving and blossoming. We needed her to touch our lives, our hearts our souls. We were not ready to let her go. We want her back!!!! I feel frustrated with my own inability to convey how desperately I want/need her back.
Jim reminds me over and over, and in my head I know, that God has our lives planned out before we are formed in the womb. He knows the number of hairs on our head and the number of days in our life. He knew when He placed Jalayne Grace in my arms on February 2, 2007 that He would take her from me on September 7, 2009. I know all of this and on good days I find peace in knowing this and accepting it. But why is it that my children and nephew, Garrett, had to experience the horror that they did the night of Sept. 7th? Why did Grant have to return from hunting in time to see his baby sister surrounded by paramedics deperately trying to save her life? Why did my 11 year old son, Brock, have to watch as his Uncle Marty and I tried to breathe life into her tiny body? Why does my 13 year old daughter have to wonder if her sister would still be alive if she had stayed out to play just a little longer? Will the ear splitting scream that penetrated the air when Laynee was found reverberate in these children's mind's forever? And why, oh why did my 16 year old daughter have to be right there to see that precious little body in the water? Why did she have to be the one to dial 911? Why do they all have to have the image of death, the ashen lifelessness, branded in their minds? I can't help wondering if some of them will ever be able to close their and rest without the awful memories coming to squeeze the air from their chests.
I can rest in the assurance that Laynee's work on earth was done, even if I think she still had much she could have done here, but I simply cannot comprehend why these children must suffer such memories. I want so desperately to help all of my children through this journey of grief, yet I know that I can never take the memories from them.
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I can't answer the questions, either. But I can pray fervently for these precious hearts and minds and the memories that haunt them. And I do. On days like this, it seems like not enough, but I do.
ReplyDeleteWe love you all. I wish there was something that we could do to take away all your pain. Our prayers for you never end. May Jesus comfort you today. Thank you so much for sharing your precious Laynee with us.
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of what Jade said about the rustle of Bible pages. How she loves the sound. Psalm 1:2-3 reads "But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Your family has learned to love the Word and depend on its truths. When I think of your boys, I think of mighty oaks. They grown strong and straight and tall. They have weathered the storm, yet continue to grow strong in the Lord. When I think of your girls, I think of fruit trees. Their fruit is sweet like love, gentleness, goodness, faith. Joy and peace will come because Jesus is still working in their lives. He is complete. I love you. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteKarol,
ReplyDeleteMarty and I were reading this and we just had to cry. I know a cry is good sometimes. We think back to that day often. We are so thankful that we got to spend the time we did with Laynee. Yes, all of this acreage was hers. We never understand why but we have an awesome God that is always here to comfort us and help us along.
I just told Marty how awesome it is having you guys as our neighbors. Its such a blessing that Brock and Garrett have each other to play football with every day. I just love watching them.
You are all still in our thoughts and prayers. We love you.
Karla
This is Joyce. I just found your blog through RK. I truly have no words, only prayer to offer for you and your precious family as you grieve for sweet Laynee.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Oh I don't have any answers for you but just wanted you to know that I am thinking about your family praying for strength for you at this time.
ReplyDelete