CS Lewis once said that "grief is like the sky, it covers everything." In recent weeks, our family has found that this is so very true. It seems that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief. I have created this blog in hopes that some day we will be able to look back on our journey and see written proof that our great God never leaves us. God is good all the time.

Celebrating Laynee

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Heaven

I suppose it's natural that I find myself thinking alot about heaven these days.  Actually, I've always thought alot about heaven, but now I think about it in a very different. way.  Heaven seems so mysterious, so unknown and so very far away right now.  I have so many questions that I know will not have answers until I see heaven myself. 
It's hard for me to grasp the idea that Laynee is not missing us as much as we miss her.  Tonight Jim and I were sitting together looking at pictures of her that he had in his phone.  The night seems pitifully quiet without her babbling and laughter.  There's just not as much to do in the evenings.  Bath and Bed time is something that Jim and I always did together.  We would work together to get both Moise and Jalayne bathed, snacked, medicated, teeth brushed, hair combed and finally, hugs and kisses and into bed.  Jim had a silly song he'd sing to her wehn he washed her and she would stand and hang onto the bar in the tub to be washed as soon as he started singing. He also loved to blow dry Jalayne's hair.  It was always so soft when he finished.  I can see her now in her little pj's and bare feet with pink cheeks and smelling so good.  Now there is only Moise to prepare for bed and it feels so strange.  We miss her so much, how can it be that she's not missing us?
I go to the Word and there are little glimpses of what heaven will be like, yet it leaves so many unknowns.  I know that she has a mature, Christlike mind but I can't begin to fathom that.  How can my little girl, who just a few weeks ago was toddling around here feeding grass to her bawk bawk's (chickens) and climbing onto my lap for stories, have a mature mind?    I go to her room and am surrounded by her belongings and I ask "where are you, Sweet Laynee?"  Is she there in that room,  does she come to the table with our family,  is she there when I talk to her at the cemetary? Is she watching over Moise?  Is she smiling at Garrett and his new baby heehee?  Can she hear me?  Does she remember how much we loved her?  Can she see our tears, our hurting hearts, our empty arms?   Is she sitting on Jesus' lap or is she dancing and singing?  Has she seen the face of God?
The other morning I got up early and was walking through the kitchen and noticed the reds and purples in the eastern sky as the sun rose over Karla and Marty's place.  I stood there watching for awhile and wondered if Laynee is in that sunrise.  Almost everytime I drive in my car I look at the sky and wonder "where is my baby girl."  Is she somewhere above the clouds or hovering right beside me.  Is she in the bright beams of  sunlight or one of the glittering stars?
Revelation 2:17 says "....and I will give him a white stone and a new name written on the stone"  I wonder what her new name is.  I always loved her name.  The girls and I came up with Jalayne together and Laynee just sort of happened and was so ideal for her.  Saturday afternoon the girls were arguing over who gets to give their first daughter "Jalayne" as a middle name.  I finally settled it by saying "why can't you both use it?"  But what might her new name be?  I'm sure the Lord has beautiful names that I can't pronounce but I think their meaning might be something like "sunshine", "joyful" or "purity." 
Revelation 21:4  "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.  For the former things are passed away."  This verse should tell me all that I need to know about what heaven is like for Laynee, yet I find that I want to know more.  The night after Laynee was buried Grant said "I can't wait to get to heaven to see her"  Indeed heaven is so much sweeter knowing my Laynee Girl is there.

6 comments:

  1. Karol,
    As you are talking about Laynee and heaven, I had a thought that seems so silly. But, I MEAN IT! I know that we are made perfect in heaven, but I hope that Laynee still has her glasses! It still makes me smile to see her with her glasses, and to remember that she had a favorite hiding place for them. I wonder what gold stone she is hiding them under now?! Maybe she even has placed them by the pearly gates! Who knows, but it is fun to think that maybe, just maybe she still has them. It truly made Laynee, Laynee. What a stinker! I just want to eat her up when I look at the pictures. I am so glad that we have these adorable pictures to look at and remember our precious angel baby! The little town of Tremont had no idea how blessed we were when she entered our little world.
    Still loving and still missing her.
    Jody

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  2. Karol,
    As you are talking about Laynee and heaven, I had a thought that seems so silly. But, I MEAN IT! I know that we are made perfect in heaven, but I hope that Laynee still has her glasses! It still makes me smile to see her with her glasses, and to remember that she had a favorite hiding place for them. I wonder what gold stone she is hiding them under now?! Maybe she even has placed them by the pearly gates! Who knows, but it is fun to think that maybe, just maybe she still has them. It truly made Laynee, Laynee. What a stinker! I just want to eat her up when I look at the pictures. I am so glad that we have these adorable pictures to look at and remember our precious angel baby! The little town of Tremont had no idea how blessed we were when she entered our little world.
    Still loving and still missing her.
    Jody

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  3. Karol,
    I've had the pleasure to give Laynee a bath just a couple times. The only thing she wanted to do was suck the washcloth DRY!! You indicate how good she always smelled. It's funny because a couple weeks ago Chris Aberle and I were in the restroom at church and I smell a familiar scent, I grabed her hands and said "you smell just like Laynee". I'm sure it was that Lavander nighttime baby lotion. I have some in my bathroom right now.
    There is no doubt Laynee is teaching everyone in Heaven how to do the splits, even Myrna!!
    We miss here! Gail and Fam.

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  4. Karol,

    Heaven seems so much closer to me, as more people that I love have arrived there. There are so many things about heaven that are so hard to comprehend. What I believe with all my heart is that Laynee will be bouncing over to greet each of us when we get there. I can just see her grin!!

    We love you! We are praying that God gives you a peaceful day today.

    Susan

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  5. Karol,
    Dont we all wonder what heaven will be like? Danielle has said that sometimes when she looks into the sunset in the evenings she always wonders if Laynee is right in there, laughing and waving at everyone looking up at her.
    Dani and I had to laugh at the picture you posted of her looking through the deck. We think that she just waitin to see us outside and holler.
    We miss her smiling face and her short little legs sprinting over here!
    We love you all.
    Karla

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  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have lost a little girl but many years have passed. I vividly remember the pain that comes when grieving a child. I also vividly remember knowing grief as holy ground. Walk in Him, breathe in Him - baby steps to a place where the pain softens as the rest of His plan unfolds for you & your family.

    Some comfort for you tonight - a prayer read at my own daughter's funeral:

    We seem to give Laynee back to you, dear God,
    who gave her to us.

    Yet, as you did not lose her in giving, so we have not lost by her return.

    Not as the world gives, do you give, O Lover of Laynee. O Lover of us all.

    For what is yours
    Is ours always...
    If we are yours.

    And life is eternal,
    and love is immortal,
    and death is only a horizon,
    and a horizon is nothing but
    the limit of our sight.

    Lift us up, strong Son of God,
    that we may see further, cleanse our eyes
    that we may see more clearly; draw us
    closer to you that we may know
    ourselves, nearer to Laynee, who is
    with you.

    And while you prepare a place for us,
    prepare us!

    Prepare us for a happy place,
    where Laynee is
    and where you are
    and where we too want to be.

    Amen

    Author Unknown

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